


someday you'll grow up (just like you should)

by Nightblaze



Category: We Are The Tigers - Allen
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Annleigh and Farrah are adoptive sisters, F/F, F/M, POV Alternating, eventually, i really really overcommited here but im ready, riley's still Tried to murder ppl it just didnt work this time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2020-10-12 18:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20569019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightblaze/pseuds/Nightblaze
Summary: What if Kate hadn't left Chess alone out there?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i would to formally apologize for this i havent written fic for like two years.
> 
> please don't read this if you are uncomfy with people getting hurt and violence!!
> 
> I put asterisks around Mattie's section because it describes a panic attack and there's a summary of what happens in the end notes. stay safe gamers!

Kate stormed into the house, fists clenched so hard that her nails left little red crescents on her palms.

_ You’re so much better than this! _

_ No, I’m not, Kate! _ Chess’ face, stony and defeated. _ I’m sorry but I’m not. _

_ You had _ one _ more person who believed in you. One. _

Fuck! Kate slammed the door behind her, hoping for a terrible sense of satisfaction at the sound. There wasn’t one. Just an empty pit in her stomach. She passed an upset Farrah, hugging herself close, in the winding halls of Riley’s ridiculous house on her way down the basement and barely noticed. Screw this hell sleepover. Nobody was having anything close to a good time.

Who knows! Maybe the drunk freshman was having the night of her life, actually. What the _ fuck, _Cairo.

Kate paused in front of the basement door. Her hand rested on the doorknob.

Fuck. She shouldn’t have left Chess out there. The realization swept through her, a wave of cold starting in her feet and washing over her whole body.

_ What’s your biggest fear, do you think? _

_ I don’t know. Failing people, maybe? _

_ Wait, shit, that’s too deep. I was going to say, like, waking up covered in bugs. _

She turned around, feeling with conviction like the consequences of doing this were going to reverberate through the rest of her life. She and Chess were unbreakable, at least for the rest of this year. They could work through anything.

Kate didn’t know if she believed in the supernatural or energies or whatever, but there was something dark and cold in the air as she made her way back to the door. Whatever it was, it almost became palpable as she saw Riley’s heavy wooden door wide open.

There was a sudden sense of urgency. Something was wrong, very and horribly wrong. The neighbor’s dogs seemed to agree, barking to high heaven. Kate broke into a sprint through the doorway and down Riley’s porch. Just around the corner, Chess would be there, and she’d be safe—

Kate whipped around the corner in time to see somebody plunge a kitchen knife into Chess’ stomach. The bloodcurdling scream echoed through her mind. There wasn’t time to think, but she had to think because _ holy shit Chess just got stabbed she’s bleeding what the fuck, _ but there was still the figure standing over Chess as she collapsed—

Fight or flight. Kate always wondered what she would do.

One moment, Kate was standing transfixed, and the silhouette was brandishing their knife proudly, as if congratulating themself on a job well done. In the next, there was a rock in Kate’s hand. One more and Kate was smashing the rock against the person’s head as hard as she could, feeling every single drop pent up anger leave her body like this was the ultimate act of catharsis. They immediately crumpled. The knife clattered gracelessly to the ground, followed by the attacker with somehow even less grace.

She didn’t even pause. Kate fell the ground next to the bench as she ripped her flannel off of her arms and pressed the green fabric onto Chess’ stomach. “Chess, can you hear me?” The girl’s eyes were filled with fear and there was blood dribbling out of her mouth. “Chess, I’m here, it’s going to be okay Chess.” Chess didn’t (couldn’t) say anything back

Was it?

They needed an ambulance. God, they needed the _ police, _ this was a _ murder attempt. _ On _ Chess. _

Fuuuck. Oh God. Riley took all their phones.

“Help!” Kate shouted, hoping the middle-aged white parents who lived in a gated community would call the cops to complain about the noise. It was the most likely story. “Please, please someone help!” Chess weakly reached out a hand, but it just fell back down. Kate grabbed it with one hand while keeping pressure on the wound. “It’s going to be okay, we’re gonna be just fine,” Kate babbled in between calls for help.

“Yo, what the fuck?”

Kate turned fast enough to give herself whiplash. It was a pizza delivery girl, in all of her exhausted, red-clad glory, looking exactly like God to Kate. “Call nine-one-one!”

The pizza girl’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, and then her eyes drifted over to the slumped form of Chess and then to the unconscious body unceremoniously lying on the sidewalk. Her demeanor straightened up instantly and her phone was out of her pocket and dialing. 

“We’re gonna be just fine.” Kate repeated it like a mantra while trying to ignore the blood (so much blood, too much blood). Chess had promised her that much.

-

This was _ not _what Eva had signed up for.

She’d signed up for five dollars an hour plus tips. She had a very easy job. She drove somewhere, she handed off a pizza (and sometimes, when people were feeling extra spicy, a two-liter of soda), got a couple dollars in return, rinse and repeat.

Eva decidedly did not get paid enough to discover three girls in various states of health. Some redhead with a bloody chef’s knife beside her (unconscious), a girl whose abdomen was soaked with blood despite the flannel pressed over her wound (not looking too alive), and a sobbing girl in a baseball tee who had barked at her to call 911 (fine, at least physically... Eva was not about to dissect the poor girl’s mental state because her own was not doing so great just from being there).

“Listen, is there anyone else around? Should we do anything other than wait for an ambulance?” Eva asked, hoping the crying girl wouldn’t lash out.

“Fuck,” she said softly but with an enormous amount of emotion. “There’s like, five people in house sixteen that need to get out here. They don’t know that anything’s happened.”

Eva barely knew anything about whatever happened. She was just supposed to deliver a goddamn pizza! She felt guilt creep in soon after the thought came to mind. If she hadn’t been here, maybe the stabbed girl would have been dead.

Maybe she would still die anyways.

Eva shook the thoughts out of her head as she jogged to the house and up the porch. No more bad energy. She rang the doorbell incessantly and eyed the wide open door. No offense, but she knew the weird-ass security systems gated communities had. She was not risking that.

A pissed-looking black girl came around the hall, arms crossed. “Where’s the pizza?” Eva wished she had taken off her idiotic cap.

“Yeah, that’s not a big deal right now, your f—”

“Wait.” The girl, who Eva had taken to calling Pissed-off in her head, glanced up and down through the wide open door. “I know you.”

“Okay, yeah, maybe? I was saying, your friend—”

“West High! You’re their flyer! Eva Sanchez?”

“Your friend is bleeding out!” Eva interrupted, gesturing behind her.

“What?” Pissed-off said incredulously. Two others appeared from around the corner upon hearing this. One looked like your average horse girl and the other was rocking some sick space buns. Eva might have complimented her if there wasn’t a dying girl about fifty yards away.

“I’ve already called the police but like, there’s another one of you guys sobbing over her and there’s some redhead unconscious on the ground, too—”

“What?” Space Buns echoed.

“I don’t know! I don’t know what’s happening! I came here to deliver a pizza!”

Pissed-off almost shoved Eva out of the way trying to get out of the house. She tried not to be too offended, considering the circumstances, but only mostly succeeded. Horse Girl and Space Buns hesitated for a moment before following their friend.

To Eva’s surprise, no one was hovering over Baseball Tee and the stabbed girl. Everyone instead was staring down at the out-cold redhead.

“You’re kidding, right?” Pissed-off addressed Baseball Tee, a mix of horror and disbelief in her voice. “Riley would never stab anyone! She’s literally harmless!” Finally, a name to a face.

Baseball Tee snorted something heart-wrenching and angry. Eva couldn’t help but notice how harshly her hands were shaking. “I wouldn’t be fucking kidding about anyone stabbing Chess! And I didn’t know it was _ Riley _until after I knocked her out!”

“How did you not know?!"

“_ Chess _ had just gotten _ stabbed!” _

Eva had had enough. “Aren’t there more of you guys still inside? Can you stop badgering” oh shit she still didn’t know Baseball Tee’s name “uh, her and make sure everyone else is safe?”

Horse Girl instantly snapped to attention. “Oh no. Farrah.” She looked at Eva with puppy eyes, as if she should know what had happened to whoever the fuck that was. Eva shrugged at her which seemed to set Horse Girl straight. She beelined towards the porch.

“And Mattie!” Space Buns rushed after Horse Girl.

Pissed-off plopped down onto the ground next to Riley and put her head in her hands. Eva turned away from her. The girl didn’t seem like someone who appreciated when people watched her cry.

Eva sat next to Baseball Tee and gently removed her hand from the bloody flannel. “Let me take this over, okay?” Baseball Tee looked like she was about to slice a bitch for a moment, but she let it happen.

And that was how Eva ended up with Baseball Tee clutching one of her hands like a lifeline, the other pressing a truly, truly disgustingly bloody flannel onto some girl’s stomach.

“We’re gonna be just fine, okay Chess?”

Eva listened to Baseball Tee’s affirmations until the sirens overtook them.

-

“She’s in the bathroom on the second floor,” Reese confessed to Annleigh on their way towards the house.

Annleigh stared at her. “Why didn’t you tell us that earlier?! You said you hadn’t found her!” _ The Lord detests lying lips, Proverbs 12:22. _

“She asked me not to!” Reese defended herself. Annleigh felt the fight leave her. There wasn’t time for this, what if Riley had gotten to Farrah first? How long had she gone? Was it enough time to get to two victims?

Annleigh took the steps two at a time. The bathroom door was cracked open, the light on. Her heart beat a million times every second as she moved to burst through the door.

In her mind, she pictured blood spattered on the shower tiles, pooling around the drain, and Farrah’s motionless body slumped in a terrible heap, having died thinking that Annleigh despised her. She saw Clark, slouching over the toilet, unmoving as blood gushed from a gash in the side of his head. She saw all of her happiness performing a vanishing act that would confound every magician in the world.

But it wasn’t reality. Farrah was sniffling and pouring the contents of her beloved flask down the toilet, perfectly healthy except for the obvious intoxication, and was wearing a confounded expression at Annleigh’s sudden entrance. Annleigh threw her arms around her, sending the half-empty flask clattering to the floor.

“What the fuck?” Farrah mumbled into Annleigh’s shoulder. She tentatively hugged back, causing Annleigh to squeeze even tighter. How could she ever let her think that she hated her? Or anything less than adored her?

“I’m just,” Annleigh hiccupped. She hadn’t even realized she’d started bawling until she tried to get more words out. “I’m just so glad you’re okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Farrah leaned into the hug and Annleigh found herself wishing that she never had to let go. “A little alcohol never hurt anyone, Annleigh. Lighten up.” Her voice was still unsure but had the usual haughty tone in it that Annleigh hadn’t known how much she would miss if it were gone forever.

She decided to live in this little bubble for just a little while longer.

Clark’s confused voice interrupted the girls. Oh, crap. In the midst of… everything, Annleigh had nearly forgotten that he was in the house. That he had just _ proposed _before Cairo walked in.

“Annleigh? Farrah? Is everything okay?” It just made Annleigh sob harder. She felt Farrah’s arms shrug at Clark helplessly.

“She just, like, came in here crying and won’t let go.” Annleigh took a deep breath when Clark rested a hand on her shoulder, and then another. Inhale, exhale, until she could talk without choking up.

“Chess, she got…” Annleigh pushed the lump in her throat down and finally let Farrah go just in time to see the disgusted look on her face. “Riley tried to kill her,” she forced out quickly, dread seeping into her stomach. _ Riley tried to kill Chess. _

“What?” Clark and Farrah said in unison.

“You’re joking,” Farrah laughed uncomfortably. “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

Annleigh shook her head and couldn’t stop the tears when she saw Farrah’s face turn from disbelief to horror.

“Everybody’s outside,” she whimpered. “I thought you… I don’t know, I was so scared that…” Farrah was the one who hugged Annleigh then, squeezing the air out of her lungs in one big whoosh. Clark wrapped his arms around both of them as if trying to shield them from the harsh reality.

Even that couldn’t make the pit in Annleigh’s stomach disappear.

-

Reese was guiding Mattie down the front steps of the porch. The poor girl was so dazed, from alcohol and from knowing that a girl she’d known for maybe an hour just tried to kill another. In all honesty, Reese couldn’t believe it herself. It was _ Riley, _the same Riley who started crying in fourth grade when she couldn’t get through her book presentation. The same Riley who made her a Rainbow Loom bracelet in the seventh grade! She was harmless!

Or maybe not so much, Reese reconsidered as she watched the EMTs load Chess onto the ambulance. Kate was begging some EMT to let her ride with them, but the woman shook her head.

Reese felt Mattie’s body shutter at the sight of Chess’ limp body, the flashing lights, the policemen mulling around the crime scene.

_ Crime scene. _It just wasn’t right.

“Don’t look,” Reese told Mattie as gently as possible, guiding the younger girl away. “You don’t have to look.” Mattie was scarcely there at all, with an emptiness in her eyes. Reese wasn’t good at this! She’d already failed at comforting another drunk girl tonight, and that was _ before _she knew that someone she looked up to had tried to kill someone else!

Out of the corner of her eye, Reese spotted Annleigh and Farrah, accompanied by Clark - _ Clark? _

The night couldn’t get weirder.

Mattie was silently leaning into Reese’s arm. For support or for comfort, Reese had no clue, but she wasn’t about to mention it and set her off. She rubbed her shoulder in what she hoped was a comforting gesture as she observed the rest of the squad.

Riley was being loaded into a police car, hands cuffed together. She was conscious now, and there was a bandage on her head. For a moment, they locked eyes. Reese was shocked by her cold glare, so used to her cheerful and excited nature.

Riley had tried to kill Chess. Reese knew that, but it struck her through the gut once more. _ Riley. _She was going to throw out that damn Rainbow Loom bracelet the moment she got home. Or maybe a fire would be more appropriate.

The wail of the ambulance shook Reese from her bracelet-burning fantasy. Mattie drew in a shaking breath beside her. God.

“You know you can’t drive like this? Right?” the pizza girl was saying. Reese glanced up at her and Kate.

Oh God, Kate. Her face was red and blotchy, and every one of her breaths seemed like a battle. She held her crumpled-up and blood-soaked flannel tight enough to turn her knuckles white. “I have to get to the hospital.”

The pizza girl grimaced and shook her head. “I’ll take you, then.” She moved to grab her bag, previously abandoned on the pavement, but an officer stepped up to them.

“Excuse me, ladies, we need to ask you a few questions before you leave…”

Reese turned her attention to Cairo, sitting painfully still on the curb. Cairo was always doing _ something, _always gesticulating, always making some unwanted comment, always the life of the party.

But everything Cairo about her was gone. It was so horribly wrong that Reese had to stop looking immediately.

Annleigh, Farrah and Clark were all getting separately questioned by other officers. Farrah seemed to have sobered up, or could at least act like it.

Kate and the pizza girl were the first to be able to leave, followed shortly by Annleigh, Farrah and Clark. None of them spared Reese or Mattie a single word, didn’t even give them a glance.

Reese hugged Mattie closer unconsciously. No-one deserved to feel invisible.

(Icy eyes flashed in Reese’s mind. No-one deserves to be seen but seen so cruelly.)

“Miss?” Reese snapped to attention and she felt Mattie doing the exact same thing. A policeman stood there with a notepad in hand. He probably would have seemed threatening, a middle-aged white man with a gun, if Riley hadn’t looked like she had.

All through questioning, Reese had no clue what she said. Mattie, a few yards away, trying to make herself smaller and smaller as the tears in her eyes grew larger. Cairo, still on the curb, giving curt answers to the officer assigned to her and staring at nothing. 

Book presentation, frozen eyes, Rainbow Loom, bloody knife flashed in Reese’s mind. All somehow Riley when that girl being herded into the back of a police car could _ not _have been the same Riley that she knew.

-

Chess was used to feeling distant from herself, used to dizziness and an extreme lack of concentration. This was something new. Blissfully unable to understand what was going on, but with piercing flares in her gut. Like she was on fire. Burning and burning and burning.

She had been holding Kate’s hand, or at least she thought she had been. There was the ghost of a memory of her touch. She missed it, or she would if she could do much thinking.

Chess’ conscious drifted around, in and out and in and out.

There was shouting and then a mask placed over her face.

She drifted out.

-

*********

Mattie tried to quell the panic, she really did. She didn’t want to disappoint the officer because she couldn’t answer his questions. She didn’t want to put a burden on Reese more than she already was. But it just didn’t work this time.

As the officer moved on, heading towards his colleagues, Mattie felt the familiar anxiety coming to a beastly head. Reese’s hand on her shoulder was too much when it had been a gentle protection a moment before. Her palms became sweaty, there was something burrowing inside her chest and getting heavier and heavier, there was—

“Mattie?”

When had she stood up? Mattie hugged her arms closer to herself. She couldn’t move her mouth to speak, she wanted to, she needed to, her skin itched and itched and she wanted to, needed to leave—

“What’s wrong? How can I help? Um…”

—nauseating, overwhelming, she wanted to, needed to prove that she wasn’t an annoying mess, she wasn’t, but why else would any of this be happening—

“Can I touch you? Do you need a… hug?”

—this was her fault, she must have done something so horribly wrong that Riley, no don’t touch don’t touch her skin itched, itched and ached, tiny crescents indenting her arms where she gripped herself tightly not tight enough, not enough to stop this—

“Reese, stop.”

—not enough for the team, not enough for anyone, not enough, thank God she let go, Cairo was here to make her drink more alcohol, here to tell her off—

“Mattie, will you look at me?”

—here to tell her she was off the team, tell her it was all her fault and she’d be right—

“Can you breathe with me?”

—yes, she could breathe, she wasn’t that dumb, Cairo thought she was that dumb—

“In. Out. You got it.”

—in hold out in hold out in hold out in hold out.

In, hold, out. In, hold, out. Mattie followed Cairo’s exaggerated breaths as the attack ebbed. There was still the underlying panic, the type that was reasonable in this situation. Mattie sharply inhaled. She’d been rooting for Chess all the way up until the Olympics and she had gotten _ stabbed _and…

“I’m going to drive her home,” Cairo said suddenly. Mattie stared at her, unsure about how to respond. Reese stood with the same confusion on her face, with fear and uncertainty (her fault, her fault).

Mattie tried to find a reason to object but couldn’t. Things like _ i don’t want to be alone _ and _ how can i trust you when riley is your best friend _seemed like the worst things to say for entirely different reasons.

Reese finally spoke up. “I’ll… head home too. Um, take care, okay?” It took Mattie several moments to understand Reese was talking to her. She smiled and hoped it didn’t look as terrible as she thought it did. Reese smiled back before she grabbed her bag and left.

Cairo took a deep breath and put her head in her hands. Mattie stared at the ground. Neither of them said a word for an uncomfortable amount of time. She tried not to notice Cairo’s stuttering breaths because if she didn’t know she didn’t have to talk about them or think about them and think about what they mean.

“Okay. We’re leaving.” When Mattie looked up at last, Cairo had her perfect facade up again.

The drive was silent. Cairo gripped the steering wheel with both hands for the whole trip and didn’t even turn on the radio to fill in the emptiness. There was just Mattie murmuring directions to the big empty house on Pine Hollow and Cairo’s unwillingness to acknowledge her except by going the right way.

When Mattie stepped into her house, the first thing she did was turn on every light she could. She wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.

*********

-

The house was way too quiet.

Farrah knew she couldn’t blast her music like she wanted to, so she had settled for headphones. Not as satisfying, but better than nothing. Better than silence.

The opening beats of Titanium blared and Farrah her ripped headphones off of her ears faster than she even realized what she was doing. The sudden and shockingly vivid memories of warm-ups from last year were too loud. Farrah could see Chess and Kate goofing off and singing along like it was last year again. And she could see Chess bleeding and bleeding and bleeding as they loaded her into an ambulance.

Farrah threw her phone next to her. It landed with a soft thud on her bed as she rolled off of the mattress. When Clark had driven her and Annleigh home, Mr. and Mrs. Clarke had just told them to go to bed. As if Farrah would be sleeping at all tonight.

She slipped out of her room, closing the door silently and sticking close to the furniture so the floor didn’t creak. Too many nights spent sneaking out meant Farrah had gotten good at getting around the house without a sound. Before she had moved in, her room had been the guest room, and all of the other bedrooms were upstairs. That made this particular mission a bit more difficult.

Farrah passed by Clark sleeping on the couch - the Clarkes trusted Annleigh with a lot of things but there was a line. He snored obnoxiously and Farrah rolled her eyes.

The stairs creaked lightly under every footstep, hopefully light enough that the Clarkes didn’t wake up. Luckily Annleigh’s room was right at the top of the stairs.

She opened the door slowly and poked her head in. “Annleigh?” Annleigh shot up, clearly not having been asleep.

“Oh, hey,” she said wearily. Farrah stepped into the room and shut the door behind her. It was quiet but the air buzzed with things that needed to be said.

Farrah broke the tension first. “I was listening to music and Titanium came on.” She glanced at Annleigh and crossed her arms. “And I freaked. And I didn’t want to be alone.” Annleigh tilted her head like she was waiting for something else.

“That’s it?” Annleigh asked. Farrah’s stomach plummeted. This was dumb. Of fucking course this was dumb, Annleigh hated her, Annleigh didn’t want a sister.

She covered up the overwhelming dejection with a scathing look on her face. “Sorry, I guess, God,” she spat and whipped towards the door.

“No, wait,” Annleigh fumbled around. “I’m sorry, don’t leave.” Farrah paused and turned around on her heel. “I meant… I don’t know what I meant, but it wasn’t that.” She sat up and patted the space next to her on the bed. Farrah plopped down beside her, arms still crossed. The unsaid words were all still there.

“I’m sorry I got drunk again,” Farrah finally said. Annleigh took in a slow breath. Farrah didn’t want to have this conversation either. “Don’t worry, I’m not getting too deep into my childhood trauma,” she tried to joke. Annleigh’s face fell further. Damn. “I shouldn’t have, I know I’m irresponsible, and you were worried, and Clark had to drive all the way over to another county and… I shouldn’t have done it. I should have been a better… person.” Farrah bit her tongue. _ Sister. _

“Sister,” Annleigh unknowingly echoed Farrah’s thoughts.

“Huh?”

Annleigh grabbed Farrah’s hand suddenly and the affection washed over her like the hug in the bathroom had. Comforting. Warm. Safe. “You’re my sister.”

“But—”

“I know what I said and I shouldn’t have said it. Maybe you shouldn’t have been drinking but I…” Shit, was she starting to cry? Again? “Who knows who Riley was going to go for next? You could have died thinking that I didn’t love you.” Shit, Farrah was going to cry, too. “You are a good sister, like, the best sister.”

“I really didn’t mean to get… so fucked up,” Farrah insisted through the lump in her throat.

Annleigh blinked at her. “It’s okay.” Farrah let out a shaky breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding and leaned into Annleigh’s shoulder as the tears came. “Whatever happens next, we’re in it together, okay?” Farrah nodded, not trusting her voice.

Annleigh hugged her closer and laid her head on Farrah’s. “We’re going to heal.”

For some reason, it was exactly what Farrah needed to hear.

-

Cairo slammed the car door shut, trying to relish the brief satisfaction it brought. She was pissed. She was confused. Mostly, she was sad.

Any attempt to reconcile Riley with the girl who had stabbed Chess just didn’t work. Riley was sweet. Riley was over-enthusiastic, and anxious, and thought too much about what other people thought of her. Riley was eccentric, and wonderful, and Cairo loved every part of her so much that it hurt and hurt and hurt.

But now there was a part of Riley that was murderous and dark and nothing like Cairo’s Riley. How could she not have known about this? Spotted any signs?

_ I’ve got a game plan, Cai. _

The house was dark and quiet. Cairo’s parents were asleep, probably had been for hours. They had no clue that they’d never see their “long-lost daughter” ever again, that she was going to be tried for murder, that everything they knew about her must have been all lies.

Cairo vaguely realized she was going to start bleeding if she kept digging her nails into her arms this tightly. She relaxed, shook herself out, but it had already sent her back to the memory of Mattie panicking and Mattie panicking sent her back to the memories of Riley—

_ Sometimes I’m just so afraid of everything that I can’t stop. _ Tears running down Riley’s face, her hands trembling. She paced back and forth and back and forth. _ And I know that I’m overreacting, Cai! That doesn’t help! _

So Cairo learned how to help.

They were a team, Cairoandriley, Rileyandcairo, inseparable since fourth grade. _ Not anymore, _ a nasty voice in her head said. _ Unless you wanted to kill people, too. _

When she reached her room, Cairo threw herself down onto her bed. She and Riley had been here just a few nights ago, one last hurrah before school started. They’d been planning the sleepover, or more accurately, Riley had already done all of the planning and wanted Cairo’s approval.

_ It’s going to be great, Riley, _she’d said.

_ What could go wrong? _she’d said.

Riley had smiled so genuinely then, filling Cairo with affection. But now the thought of it made her want to throw up.

All the late nights laughing and whispering in elaborate pillow forts. Laying around and spilling the latest gossip. Fourth grade, when Cairo stayed behind before recess to see if the new girl who everyone made fun of was okay. Getting soaked to the bone after goofing off in the rain for hours. The night of the eighth grade dance, when Cairo got appendicitis and Riley sat by her side until the hospital staff forced her to leave.

Midnight at a New Year’s party during junior year. Moving closer as the countdown approached zero. 

_ Happy New Year, Cai. _

They never spoke about that.

It didn’t matter anymore anyways. That Riley was gone. Riley had attempted murder. Riley might have succeeded, because there hadn’t been any updates from Kate.

But who was she without Riley?

Cairo knew the answer but she couldn’t acknowledge it. She just burrowed into her blankets and let the tears come.

She was alone and nothing, nothing, nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mister allen if you're reading this im so sorry
> 
> also kate's section starts off with a gory nightmare ! i marked it off with asterisks but what happens is she dreams about Chess and her other friends being killed.

It was dark when Cairo opened her eyes.

Her window was open, and a quiet breeze swept through the room. The fresh summer air was nice, at least when it wasn’t humid. Cairo stretched under her blankets, limbs aching to move. What time was it, anyways?

She reached over to her phone and clicked it on, eyes squinting at the sudden light.  _ 5:11 AM.  _ Below that, a message from Kate-

Cairo dropped her phone as everything that had happened last night fell over her, crushing her completely. It felt like there was something sitting inside of her chest and growing heavier and heavier. 

Could she face whatever Kate had sent? Could she face anything at all today?

Cairo wrapped the blankets around her tighter as if it will shield her from the rest of the world.

Try as she might, she couldn’t go back to sleep.

-

Eva hated hospitals. The smell, the blinding lights, the white tiled floor. It was all so sterile and unwelcoming.

But here she was again.

Somewhere between Kate clutching her hand and not being able to let go through the quiet car ride and draping the blanket she kept in her car over Kate’s sleeping shape before taking her leave far past midnight, Eva had gotten invested.

When she opened the door to Chess’ room, she truly wasn’t expecting Kate to still be there - shouldn’t the hospital staff have kicked her out at some point? But the girl was there sleeping on the horribly uncomfortable hospital chair with Eva’s ugly but warm cyan blanket wrapped around her.

Eva shut the door quietly and made her way over to the other chair in the room. Chess was in the bed, and the heart monitor was beeping at a consistent rate. The whirr of air conditioning and machinery was exactly the same as last night, but rather than filling the tense silence, the noises were somewhat calming. The constant buzz meant someone was still being kept alive.

Last night. Eva’s heart ached for Kate - the poor girl had cried for what felt like hours into Eva’s bright red shirt while Chess was in surgery. She didn’t know the exact details about anything, but Kate choking out  _ she said that we’d be okay  _ had broken something in Eva. There was so much suffering.

Kate stirred from across the room. Eva sat up in her chair, but she didn’t wake up. It struck her how awkward this was. She and Kate were complete strangers (it had taken about three hours at the hospital for them to share their names) but she couldn’t help but feel like she owed it to her and to Chess to be here.

Eva leaned back, trying to relax. No matter how much she wanted to, maybe needed to be here, the cold white walls and floor made her stomach churn. She hadn’t noticed it much last night, but thinking back the dull atmosphere must have added to the hopelessness.

Kate had spent the couple of hours without Chess like a zombie. It had almost scared Eva. Gone was the emotional wreck who couldn’t let go of her hand, replaced by a blank-faced girl who could have won a staring contest with a wall.

It had all changed again when Chess was moved from surgery to her room. She was out cold, but stable, and the emotionless facade fell to absolute exhaustion. The poor girl had passed out beside Chess, and Eva gifted her the blanket afterwards in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up frozen.

Given the way that Kate was now cocooned by the blindingly cyan blanket, Eva decided it was a good choice. It brought a smile to her face. She deserved a break, something good, no matter how small it was. If Eva could give her that through the blanket, then she was glad to give it.

Eva stood up. These two were going to be alright without her. No matter how much she did want to stay, felt like she should, it wasn’t what they needed. Where were Chess’ parents, anyways? She wasn’t going to explain why she was there when they inevitably came in. And Kate probably never expected to see her again, so, really, it was best for everyone except for herself and Eva was okay with that.

She collected her bag off the ground and paced towards the door before she could change her mind, but as soon as she rested her hand on the doorknob, she hesitated. Kate was… sniffling?

Eva turned around with a look of confusion. The blanket was shuddering on her shoulders, and she was muttering something incomprehensible. Eva removed her hand from the doorknob and set her bag down again.

“Kate?” she said tentatively, moving closer to the shaking girl.

“...don’t take her…”

Eva stopped in her tracks.

“Stop! Stop it!” Kate’s voice was getting louder. Eva glanced at the door, hoping that no nurses were passing by, before she took a few more steps and crouched beside Kate.

“Hey, it’s just a dream,” she tried and wondered how much of it was dream and how much of it was memory. “Wake up, Kate, it’s not real.” Eva reached out and shook her shoulder lightly.

Kate snapped awake immediately and Eva backed away upon seeing the absolute fear in her eyes that slowly turned to confusion. “Sorry, you just started mumbling and shaking so I thought it would be better to wake you up, I was just leaving—”

-

*****

The streetlights around Kate were flickering, leaving her trapped in the darkness one moment and cursed to see the blood the next.

Chess was holding her hand as they both stared down at the dead bodies of their old friends, the blood running together and flashing in tandem with the yellow lights. 

“Where were you?” Bridget was asking, but her mouth was still, her eyes empty, the red was pooling around her neck and just kept flowing.

Emma’s voice seemed to echo around the street even though her organs were spilled out of her. “Save us, Kate.”

“Kate!”

She whipped around with the sudden and empty realization that Chess was no longer holding her hand.

The silhouette of someone (bright red hair) and their dastardly weapon (kitchen knife) vanished and all that was left was Chess with horror in her eyes and her hands at her gut, but they couldn’t stop the red from spreading.

“Kate, help me.”

Chess was whimpering as she fell to her knees and the silhouette was back (cheerful orange bow) and they were grinning something vile (cherry-colored lipstick) as they held the knife against Chess’ throat.

“Don’t take her from me! Don’t take her!” Kate shrieked, but the attacker’s smile only widened (perfect white teeth) and their eyes glinted (icy blue gaze) before the streetlights went out completely.

When they came up, it took everything in her power not to throw up. Riley just kept stabbing and stabbing and stabbing and the blood kept flowing and Chess wouldn’t stop screaming even though her whole body was being dismantled and dismantling itself.

“Stop! Stop it!”  _ please make it stop make it stop make it _

The blood was filling Kate’s nose, filling her lungs, she was coughing it up, it spilled out of her mouth and onto the street and Riley was laughing with dark glee and Chess just kept screaming and screaming and  _ screaming _ —

*****

Kate’s eyes flew open and she was breathing heavy, the images still ingrained in her mind, but the dark street was gone, replaced by the constant and bright hospital lights and a worried face.  _ Eva?  _ The girl was talking and Kate realized she hadn’t really been paying attention.

“I was just leaving—”

Kate was cutting her off before she knew she had opened her mouth. “No, don’t.” The awkward silence was immediate and only made Kate’s racing heartbeat more obvious to herself. “I don’t think I can, uh. Be alone right now.” She held the colorful blanket - when had that gotten there? - closer to her body.

“Are you… okay?” Eva inquired. Kate’s stomach roiled. She hated the question, did it look like she was okay? She could only imagine her bloodshot eyes and disgusting hair after sleeping in this chair, and her whole body ached, and the pictures from the nightmare were still bouncing around her head, oh! And not to mention her best friend was in the hospital bed just a few feet away after  _ Riley  _ stabbed her in the gut for no goddamn reason!

Kate took a deep breath to contain the frustration. “That dream just sucked,” she decided to say, and then added before Eva could ask, “I don’t want to talk about it.” She trusted Eva a lot for someone she had known for less than 24 hours, but not enough to go into all of that.

The silence returned and Eva leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Kate watched her for a moment, not long enough to be creepy but very much so toeing that line, she scolded herself. Listening to nothing but the subtle whirr of the air conditioner and machinery suddenly became too little for both of them, apparently.

“Is this your—”

“Where are her—”

Eva laughed, maybe uncomfortably. “You first.”

“Is this your blanket?” Kate asked. It was kind of ugly, in a very specific way that made it better instead of worse. There was one large coffee stain on the colorful fabric that somehow just made it feel more comforting.

“Yep,” Eva replied easily. “It’s cold as shit in here. Couldn’t leave in good conscience knowing you were going to wake up an ice cube.” Kate smiled. 

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” She fiddled with the sleeve of her jacket for a second and Kate noted the small rainbow pin. She tried to step back from the creepy-watching line again. “I was gonna say, where are her parents?”

“Oh.” Kate glanced back to Chess and felt her heartbeat skyrocket again.

_ Just a dream,  _ she thought.  _ Mostly just a dream.  _ “They were out of town for a few days. They left as soon as they heard but aren’t going to get here until the afternoon.” 

“Damn.” Kate looked back at Eva in time to see her shake her head in disbelief. “I don’t think I said it at all yesterday but like, I’m so sorry. All of this sucks.”

Kate let out a short laugh even if there was nothing funny about it. “It really does.” She glanced down to the rainbow pin again. “I like your pin,” she commented after a moment.

“Thanks.” Eva smiled at her and Kate genuinely smiled back, feeling something other than the utter absence of anything and fear for the first time in too many hours.

And then there was a quiet “Kate?” from the hospital bed.

-

Chess was glad for the blissful darkness of sleep. There was no fear, no pain. No expectations. Nothing to prove. Just empty and quiet.

Subconsciously, she wondered if this was what it felt like to be dead. Nothing, forever.

The thought of it seemed to pull Chess away from the depths. Waking up wasn’t as violent as she felt it might be. Her senses began to slow back into her, and her eyes fluttered open before squeezing shut again against the harsh light beating down on her.

People were talking nearby. Chess couldn’t quite pick out what it was about, but it was there and it wasn’t crying. So that was a good thing. She’d kind of been afraid she’d never wake up.

Thinking of death spurred Chess to open her eyes again. Wasn’t there some author who talked about how seeing was the opposite of dying? She couldn’t remember. Chess hadn’t exactly been present that day in English. She took a deep breath as a reminder that she could, even though it sent a dull spear of pain through her abdomen.

The voices were still there. Was that…?

“Kate?” Chess asked as she blinked away the fuzz in her eyesight. The conversation halted and then there she was, sitting beside her.

“Holy shit, you’re awake,” Kate whispered in disbelief.

There was another girl in the room, standing now as well. “I’m going to get a nurse.” Kate nodded absentmindedly. Chess gingerly raised her hand towards her and Kate took it almost instantly.

Chess smiled and relaxed into the bed. Everything was still hazy, half-way floating, dizzying. “I got stabbed, Kate,” she commented and kept grinning.

Oh, no. Kate was starting to cry. “Yeah, just a bit, huh?”

“It hurt.” Chess’ mood was rapidly falling as certain memories came back. There was worry, mostly, but also dread and anxiety and oh, it was  _ all  _ just worry, actually. “A lot.”

“You’re going to be okay now.”

“Not just that.” Chess needed to say it. Needed to say a lot, about too many things. “It hurt when I disappointed you. That hurt the most.” Kate’s face somehow fell further. This wasn’t doing what Chess wanted it to. She opened her mouth to speak again, but Kate just gripped her hand tighter.

“Do you really think that’s what I’m worried about right now?” she laughed but the sound wasn’t happy.

“I don’t know.”

Chess watched Kate breathe shakily. It made her ache. She wanted to hug her close and never let whoever caused this pain come anywhere near her ever again, but that only made her heart sink because part of it was Chess herself.

“All I’m thinking about is how close I was to losing you and how dumb I was to be angry with you. You’re the most important thing in my life.”

Oh, no. Were they going to have this conversation now? Chess swallowed the lump in her throat and wished that she had total clarity of mind for once.

“You could have  _ died  _ thinking I was disappointed in you but I never have been,” Kate continued and Chess closed her eyes because she couldn’t bear the agony on Kate’s face. “I love you so much and nothing can change that. And you’re going to get better, and be stronger, and I’m going to be with you every step of the way if that’s what you want.”

“I can’t live without you, you know that.” Chess smiled gently as she searched for the best way to say it, the best way to let Kate down when she probably wasn’t even fully aware of her feelings. “But you know I’m not…”

The atmosphere in the room changed almost immediately. Chess saw the realization on Kate’s face before she could even finish her sentence. “I didn’t mean… Chess, not every lesbian falls for her best friend.” Kate didn’t let go and Chess is beyond grateful. “I never said I’m  _ in  _ love with you.”

“You didn’t have to.”

There’s a tense silence for a moment and Chess hoped she had done the right thing. Kate nodded and gave a watery laugh. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Kate still didn’t let go and Chess felt relief wash over her.

The quiet was less overwhelming now. She thought of red hair and red pill bottles and red blood but Kate’s warm hands were the lifeline that kept her from spiraling.

When the other girl returned with a soft-eyed nursed, Chess somehow knew that they were going to be alright.

-

“Stay safe!” Annleigh called just before the front door slammed shut. She breathed slowly. Logically, there was a very low chance that Farrah was going to get hurt. It didn’t always help to know that, however. Annleigh’s sister (sister, sister, the word filled her with joy every time she thought it, but also set off the same emptiness from That Night) was going off to visit Chess.

Annleigh had offered to go with her, but Farrah looked at her with a mixture of skepticism and annoyance.  _ I can still do things on my own, you know, _ she’d said with a laugh.  _ And I don’t know. It could get messy. _

Which was precisely the reason Annleigh wanted to come. Farrah, however, had been insistent.

This also meant that Annleigh finally had the time for Clark. Yesterday had been a mess - Kate texting the Tigers groupchat (minus Riley) that Chess had woken up sent everyone clamoring for more information. It seemed like nobody had the guts to reply after the first message - a simple  _ Chess just got out of surgery  _ \- but when confirmation that she was actually okay and not on her deathbed came the next morning, it was a different story.

Clark had texted Annleigh a few times, asking if she was okay, if she needed anything, and after the third message, he’d asked if she wanted space. Frankly, that was the last thing Annleigh wanted, but in the moment, Farrah was more important.

So it was the next day and Clark was coming over in just a few minutes and they had a lot to talk about. Like, wow, Clark had proposed and Annleigh was so ready to just say  _ yes, yes, of course, always, forever  _ but they were juniors in high school and also one of Annleigh’s teammates got stabbed which kind of put a damper on the whole mood.

The knock at the door roused Annleigh from her thoughts. She stood quickly and resisted the urge to race over, open the door and kiss Clark until he got the point.

So maybe she did jog to the door, so what? It wasn’t like Farrah or her dad were there to judge her and her mom was on a conference call in her room.

“Hey,” Clark breathed when Annleigh swung the door open.

“Hey.” Annleigh grinned from ear to ear and saw it reflected on Clark’s face. She stepped aside to let him in. The Clarke residence was just as much of a home to him as his own, and the same went for Annleigh over at his house, and it wouldn’t be weird if they just walked in on their own, but that just wasn’t them.

Annleigh’s heart felt like it was going to burst every time she thought of  _ them.  _ Clark was safety, and warmth, everything good in the world packaged neatly into one person, and the fact that he was hers never ceased to amaze her.

Clark wandered into the living room as Annleigh closed the front door. He sat down on the couch with a tight smile on his face. Annleigh sat next to him, perfectly content to lay her head on his shoulder and stay there forever.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, but Clark wasn’t someone who put things off. He took a deep breath and Annleigh prepared herself.

“Are you okay, love?”

The swelling in her heart and the sinking in her stomach made an interesting combination. Was she okay? Sometimes she closed her eyes and saw Chess unmoving and Kate crying over her, other times it was Farrah and Clark dead in the bathroom.

“No,” Annleigh responded honestly after a moment and felt a weight lift off of her. Still something there, but lighter now. “I haven’t…” A lump began to form in her throat. Memories of the night came floating back, having been repressed. “I haven’t really processed, I don’t think.”

How long had Chess been bleeding out for when she and Clark were laughing in the kitchen?

Clark didn’t respond, he just held her closer. Giving her time. Always giving her time.

“And even beyond all of the…” Attempted murder? Stabbing? “the thing with Chess, you proposed to me.” Annleigh found herself laughing. “That’s also been on my mind.”

Clark kissed the top of her head and Annleigh’s heart ached with affection. “We can forget about that, okay? You’ve got a lot to be thinking about.”

“You’re one of the only things in my life that I’ve been sure about,” she started. Clark waited, the gentlest and sweetest look on his face. He really was like a golden retriever sometimes. “And I would love to marry you, someday, but…”

“We’re juniors in high school?” Clark was smiling.

“Among other things,” Annleigh murmured and intertwined her and Clark’s fingers.

Safety. Warmth. Everything good.

-

To say Farrah was nervous was an understatement. Or maybe nervous just wasn’t the right word.

She was scared and uncertain, and filled with dread, and perhaps there was some regret and anger buried there as well. It was almost enough to make her almost turn around upon entering the hospital.

Almost. Farrah steeled herself, put on a smile, and approached the man at the front desk.

Walking to Chess’ room was worse than just stepping through the hospital doors. The confusing medley of emotions made her feel sick, sick in a way that made her wish she hadn’t thrown out her beloved flask and hadn’t let Annleigh clean out the hidden beers in her room. But wishing for alcohol only made the sick feeling worse, made it dig its claws into her whole body at once.

And then she was at the door. Farrah let her hand rest there on the doorknob, just for a moment, and entered.

She didn’t quite know what she expected, and she didn’t think Chess knew either. Farrah let the awkwardness wash over her, the joy and the strangeness of feeling so wholly following soon after.

“You know, I thought you were going to look a lot worse,” was the first thing that comes out of Farrah’s mouth, and she was milliseconds away from taking it back when Chess shook her head and rolled her eyes. Despite the hate she still held, Farrah was immeasurably glad that Chess was still the same Chess.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Chess said as Farrah took a seat. 

“So what’s the deal? Are you going to be okay?”

Chess nodded. “Doctor Arnolds says that I’m lucky. The blade barely missed my aorta. And in a week or so I’ll be able to head home.” Farrah’s gaze drifted around the bleak room and tried to imagine spending seven days trapped there. A blinding white hell. “I’m going to have to come back every few days to get the wound checked on for a while. So, yeah, I’m going to be fine, eventually.”

“That’s good.”

Chess pursed her lips. Farrah watched her take a breath to say something twice before she actually did. “Are  _ you _ okay, Farrah?”

Goddamn it. “I’m not the one who got stabbed, Frankie,” Farrah tried to play it off with an edge in her voice. Chess’ lips twitched at the name, somewhere between a grimace and a smile.

“I mean…” Chess trailed off. Farrah should’ve known better than to think she’d actually let it go. “You get plastered every weekend and usually you’re not even completely sober at school.”

“Like you’re much better,” Farrah shot back, letting all of the venom come through. “Like you were sober that day.” Much of the competition was lost to Farrah, but she remembered the fuzzy look in Chess’ eyes. She wasn’t dumb.

Chess was uncharacteristically quiet. “Okay, you’re right, I wasn’t. And I’m sorry. But—”

“Good.”

“But just because I made mistakes doesn’t mean I don’t worry!” Chess actually looked angry for once. Farrah was almost impressed. “You’re fifteen, Farrah, and there’s so much still out there for you, and you’re throwing all of that away!

“And you aren’t?” Farrah scoffed. She’d heard it a million times by now, but it hurt different because it’s Chess. Chess was the one who got it, the only person on the team who was really supposed to  _ get  _ it.

And she really was angry now. “My only real plan for the future got thrown out the fucking window when I hurt my knee!” Farrah set her jaw. “So I gave up, okay?

“So I’m not allowed to give up too? Some little sob story is enough for popping Vicodin like candy but not for me?” Farrah stood up, fists clenched. It didn’t matter that she had already promised Annleigh she’d stop drinking. The principle of the thing, you know? “You don’t know shit, Chess!”

They stare at each other and Farrah wasn’t about to give in. She still inwardly sighed in relief when Chess did. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to be how it went,” Chess said with a strain. “Can I try again?”

Against her better judgement, Farrah sat back down and crossed her arms.

“I’m sorry that I got you hurt, and I’m sorry for not taking the blame whenever anyone started ripping on you. I should have but I was too scared.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Farrah cut in.

Chess didn’t stop. “It doesn’t. But none of that changes the fact that you need to get better. There’s things hurting you and I don’t know if anyone knows what they are except for you. And I think you’re just trying to drown them in rum and wine because that’s easier than actually healing.” Farrah closed her eyes and let the words soak. “I  _ know  _ that it’s easier. It doesn’t mean that it’s  _ better _ .”

Suddenly Farrah didn’t like that Chess got it. She rose to her feet and hugged herself. It was just all too much. “I don’t know how much I can forgive you,” she began and watched Chess’ face fall. “You know, I was rooting for you to get sober.”

“What?”

“I thought that maybe, if you did, it was proof that things got better. I thought that one person saving themself would show me that there was hope.” Farrah shook her head. “But you never did. You never even tried.” Chess stayed silent and she was glad. “If I’m about to man up and go through a personal hell to get myself sober, then you fucking better, too.”

It didn’t feel like peace when Farrah left.

The tears started to well up on the walk through the eye-scorchingly bright hallways. Farrah held them back as she passed by a bewildered Kate and some confused looking chick but all bets were off when she slipped out of a side door.

It didn’t even feel like closure.

But it did feel like the start of healing.

-

If Farrah didn’t come out of the hospital in half an hour, Reese decided, she would assume the worst had happened.

The worst being Kate had found her there and kicked her ass for some reason. Reese pressed play on her music and opened Instagram.

About twenty minutes passed before Reese could breathe a sigh of relief. Farrah was hugging her arms to herself but Reese didn’t notice her red-rimmed eyes until she was buckling her seatbelt and quietly sniffling.

God, why did she always get stuck with the comfort job?

“Farrah, are you—” Farrah’s head whipped up and the devastated, angry expression on her face shut Reese up immediately.

“Don’t ask me that,” she said shakily. Reese’s eyebrows shot up but she didn’t directly question it. Whatever happened in the hospital would probably stay in the hospital.

Still. A thank you or something would’ve been nice. Reese didn’t  _ have  _ to give Farrah a ride.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” Farrah said as Reese took the car out of park and began to drive towards the exit. “It was just stressful.”

Reese sighed and gave her a flat smile. “Don’t sweat it.”

They had been on the road for just about two minutes before Farrah spoke up again. “Do you think you could take me somewhere else?”

“Uh, where? And did you tell Annleigh?”

“No, I mean,” Farrah paused. Reese didn’t usually see her as someone who couldn’t get words out, but hey, you learn something new every day. “Can we just go get coffee or something?” The fire was completely gone from her voice and the sheer shock of that alone made Reese agree immediately.

The café was a twenty minute drive away, located on the very edge of town. It was so out of the way that it was a wonder it managed to stay open, even with its show-stopping coffees, desserts and milkshakes especially.

It was Reese’s favorite place to study. The rustic atmosphere, the gentle tunes playing softly, and the routine mechanical ruckus from behind the counter… There was also the fact that the rest of the coffee shops around town were always occupied by kids from school who’d rather not see her.

The comforting smell of coffee floated through the building and Reese read through the menu on the chalkboard, though she already knew what she was going to get. Nothing beat the gentle spice of a chai tea latte.

Farrah, on the other hand, was squinting at the board, eyes flitting between each drink

“Get the double chocolate shake,” Reese advised. “It’s the cure for all bad days.”

“Bad days like when your captain stabs someone and you go and visit her in the hospital?”

“Yeah, sounds about right.” Reese glanced down at Farrah with smile. She didn’t return it but did end up ordering the shake, so Reese considered it a win.

They sat in a booth towards the back of the nearly empty café and for a while they were quiet, just sipping their drinks and scrolling on their phone. Reese almost cracked a joke about how they were exactly what old people thought of the younger generation, but it suddenly hit her how little she knew about Farrah. She knew that she was a drunk, that she was Annleigh’s adoptive sister, and that was about it. So Reese held back.

“Thanks for not asking questions.” Reese looked up from her phone and met Farrah’s gaze. Just for a moment, because then the only thing she saw was shadowy, icy blue, and police lights and blood and she had to tear her eyes away.

It took a second for her to realize she never responded. “Girl, you tore me a new one for trying to ask if you were alright, remember?”

“Sorry,” Farrah repeated. “It just wasn’t fun.”

“You’re telling me that visiting the girl who made you get a contusion and who you’ve had a pretty mutual dislike towards and who got stabbed recently wasn’t fun?” Reese raised her hands and acted surprised.

Farrah finally cracked a small smile. Another win. “Crazy, right?”

“Yeah, weird.”

“Completely wack.”

“Absolutely buckwild.”

“Goddamn bonkers.”

“Fucking apeshit.”

“Cheers, I’ll drink to that!” Farrah was actually laughing by the time she raised her cup. Reese cheerfully did the same and when she caught Farrah’s eye again (frozen horrible blue and red-stained flannel and) she didn’t let it show how much it scared her.

Reese dropped Farrah off and pointed out Clark’s car on the street.

“If I walk in and Clark and Annleigh are fucking on the couch I’m gonna cry.”

“Farrah, what the hell!” At least she was back to her usual self.

At home, when Reese couldn’t bring herself to look her mother in the eye, she tried not to think about Rainbow Loom and chef’s knives, and instead of chocolate milkshakes and coffee shops.

-

It had been five in the morning when Mattie rolled out of bed and made her way back to the living room.

Sometimes she read, sometimes she would turn on the TV for a while. Most of the time, though she just sat and waited.

It was around seven when Mattie’s mother woke up. “Hey, honey, how are you feeling?” she’d asked and avoided Mattie’s sunken eyes.

She felt better when she wasn’t alone but she knew it wouldn’t last long. Her parents were both going to be at work for the whole day and she’d be stuck at home with all the noises she swore weren’t there before.

“You want any breakfast before I take off?” her mother asked maybe a half hour later. Mattie shook her head. “Alright.” Ten minutes later she kissed the top of Mattie’s head and said “love you” and left.

Mattie’s father repeated the exact same routine about fifteen minutes after that.

Yesterday, they had tried a little harder. It was all  _ honey, we’re here for you,  _ and  _ not even cinnamon rolls?  _ and  _ we can stay home, if you need us to. _

It took all of Mattie’s might not to say  _ i’m so terrified  _ and  _ what if they’re poisoned  _ and  _ please, please don’t leave me alone.  _ She wasn’t a little kid anymore. She wasn’t broken. And she definitely wasn’t going to make herself into a bigger burden.

So her parents left and the house was suddenly alive with creaking floorboards and skittering and did the faucet upstairs just turn on or was Mattie imagining things again?

The faucet wasn’t on, Mattie told herself. It wasn’t. But the thought kept nagging and nagging.

She got up and checked. The faucet wasn’t on.

The red-haired runner who passed by wasn’t Riley. It wasn’t. She still had to open the front door (a monumental task on its own. What if it  _ had  _ been Riley, ready to finish her job?) and see that the runner was Mrs. Bradford and her greyhound from down the street to be sure.

Every time Mattie heard a car approaching she held her breath until it faded into the distance.

Every unusual noise in the house had to be checked, just in case.

Everything was the enemy. It was exhausting.

The rumble of an engine stopped outside of Mattie’s house. She glanced at the clock—two forty-three in the afternoon—to confirm that it couldn’t be either of her parents and then promptly entered panic.

Mattie rushed to the door, holding a book in her hands like it might help her to defend against a knife, fully prepared for it to open despite the fact that the deadbolt, knob lock and chain lock were all locked (something she had been checking every twenty or so minutes).

The car moved along. She finally brought herself to glance out the window to see the mailman opening the Diaz family’s mailbox next door. She let herself relax and set the book back onto the bookshelf across the hall.

Maybe she should get the mail. Or maybe there was someone waiting outside for her to do so.

Mattie sat back down and tried not to think about it. It didn’t work.

It wasn’t until five thirty that Mattie’s mother returned from the office. This time Mattie made herself stay on the couch, attempting to be reasonable, but she still itched to check. Just to be safe.

“I’m home!” her mother called as she entered through the garage. She smiled upon seeing Mattie. “Have you been sitting there all day?” Mattie didn’t have the heart to tell her she’d probably spent half of the time up and about, making sure that each little noise wasn’t someone trying to hurt her.

So she just said, “I was binging the Great British Bake Off, you can’t blame me.”

Her mother laughed and the relief on her face was evident. Mattie inwardly recoiled. Back to being the normal daughter with normal issues.

“Oh, something for you came in the mail...” Mattie’s mother sifted through the envelopes and handed one addressed to Mattie Wheeler to her.

When she opened the letter, it took all of her willpower not to drop it and run away. 

-

_ It is hereby ordered that the above named witness appear in court… _

Cairo wanted to tear the letter into a million little pieces, make it go away, make it all go back to normal.

She hadn’t emerged from her room all of yesterday, hadn’t looked at her phone, hadn’t thought any of it was worth it.

Riley would have been the one that got Cairo out of this funk. She’d say some dumb positivity quote she found on Pintrest and then insist that they go to the mall or get lunch at the new ramen place.

But Riley wasn’t here. Riley was being held at the prison for her trial. The trial Cairo was going to have to testify in. Against Riley.

There was so much to unpack. Was Cairo happy that Riley wouldn’t turn eighteen until January so she’d be given a shorter sentence? Would she ever be able to look her in the eyes ever again, knowing she had tried to murder someone? Would she break down when she saw Riley’s familiar and comforting (and angry and cold) face?

Cairo’s phone had been blowing up for the last two hours. She knew it was the Tigers groupchat, but she hadn’t brought herself to looking at it yet. Maybe they thought she would be on Riley’s side. She had been for just about everything else.

After staring down the subpoena for far too long, and letting it all sink in, Cairo gave up and grabbed her phone.

**2d ago, gchs tigers ** _ Kate: chess is out of surgery. shes stable _

**Yesterday, gchs tigers ** _ Kate: she just woke up. her dads are going to get here soon so if anyone is planning on visiting dont come today. _

There were other messages, of course.

**2h ago, gchs tigers ** _ Annleigh: Have you all gotten the summons? _

**47m ago, gchs tigers ** _ Kate: theres no way rileys going to plead innocent right? not with me and chess testifying _

She closed her eyes and turned her phone off.

Cairo knew only a few things in life for sure, and that she would always be on Riley’s team was one of them. And that Riley would always be on hers.

She’d have to scratch that off the list.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long!! i hope you enjoy !

The pillars of the courthouse towered above Mattie’s head as she made her way over to the other Tigers. They stood in the same general area, but obvious groups had formed. Chess stood with Kate and Eva, looking pale and sick but better than she had looked in the hospital the one time Mattie had been able to bring herself to visit her in the week. Annleigh and Farrah stood just a few feet away from them, along with Clark. Reese was hovering around them, the uncertainty clear on her face. And then there was Cairo, arms crossed, several yards away from the rest of the team.

Mattie forced herself to stop picking out every single mannerism and movement of the girls. They were in public, at a  _ court,  _ nobody was going to hurt her. And none of them had any violence or anger in their eyes. They were all closed off, hugging themselves or turned away from one another, eyes darting around like there was anything new to see. Anyone, specifically someone with red hair and an optimistic smile and a knife hidden behind her back.

In all of the girls Mattie saw herself. Saw the instinct to run. She saw it in Reese’s careful avoidance of eye contact, in Chess’ back pressed against the wall, in Farrah’s eyes tracking anyone who came a bit too close. She saw it especially clear in Cairo, in her stiff posture, in her hard eyes and in how she tensed when someone passed by.

Mattie gave Reese a smile with nothing behind it as she finally walked up to them.

“How are you?” Mattie asked with an overly bright tone, immediately wincing at it. She knew the answer would be the same for everyone— _ I’m okay, _ a lie likely perfected at this point—but she also didn’t know what else there was to say.

“I’m fine. I think I drank too much coffee this morning,” Reese replied with a forced laugh, keeping her eyes just a bit to the left. The stilted nature of the conversation made Mattie queasy. What was there to talk about when they were only here to put one of their peers into prison?

So they fell into silence, which wasn’t much better.

Mattie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, quelling the anxiety for a moment.

She could have never gotten involved in this mess. All it would have taken was trying out for something else. One of her friends had even tried to get her to join the chess club, and she had taken dance for a few years when she was younger—maybe she could have joined the ballet club or dance team. She’d considered golf and bowling, even  _ basketball,  _ and still Mattie had decided to join the cheer squad.

The yard in front of the courthouse was steadily emptying as the clock drew closer to one o’clock. There was practically nobody left out there by twelve fifty-five, when Cairo finally left her place leaning against a pillar to enter the hall.

Mattie glanced at the other girls, who all seemed equally as conflicted as she felt. And then, one by one, they all filed into the courthouse.

-

The court smelled like old carpet and old people. It made Reese wrinkle her nose in disgust, but at least it was something distracting her from the fact that she’d be seeing Riley again and soon.

Reese could identify the exact moment everyone caught sight of Riley sitting up at the defendant table. Cairo, in the lead, froze for only a moment before storming the rest of the way and sitting down with her eyes straight ahead. Reese caught Chess take Kate’s hand and hold on for dear life at the same moment Eva gave Kate a soft and worried look and laced her fingers with hers. Clark whispered something to Annleigh from behind Reese, and Farrah and Mattie seemed to stop breathing beside her. The stillness was nauseating. But at least Riley didn’t turn around as the moment passed and they filled in the seats.

Reese herself didn’t know how she felt. There was fear swimming in her stomach, anxiety in her gut. There was concern as Mattie took a seat on the end, right next to her. There was dread breathing down her neck, and it bared its sickening teeth as Riley turned her head straight back towards them.

Her eyes passed over every single one of them, and Reese knew it was coming, but it was like watching a trainwreck. She couldn’t look away and then the icy blue gaze was staring at her, observing in a way that made her feel vulnerable, like she was about to get stabbed in the back. Or stabbed in the stomach.

It was only for a moment, but it felt like an eternity. Reese must have lived through that night ten times in those two seconds. It didn’t matter that she was seated between Mattie and Farrah in a courthouse, not out on the street in a warm August evening trying to comfort Mattie when she was panicking herself. It didn’t matter that Riley was going to be proven guilty and put behind bars. 

None of it felt real. The only real things were Chess bleeding, and Riley out cold, and ambulance sirens and police lights, and Riley staring down at Reese with a cold fury in her eyes as she was herded into the back seat of the car, and avoiding everyone else's eyes because what if she hadn’t left that bench at all? Or what if she saw that same look in their eyes?

The moment was gone. The effect remained.

Reese’s hands were shaking like a leaf as Riley set her head forward once more. Chess was okay, she had to remind herself. She was  _ here,  _ even, proof that Riley failed.

But she could have killed her. She could try again. Not logically, Reese knew, but she  _ could try again. _ And they wouldn’t be so lucky.

Reese tried to relax, but the shaking wouldn’t stop.

What if she was someone who could hurt or  _ kill  _ another human person?

How could she cope with that? How could she live with that?

How did she know that that person wasn’t in her somewhere?

And then, Reese couldn’t stop picturing it: what would killing someone feel like? Sound like? Look like?

Someone was taking one of her hands in theirs. Reese felt like throwing up, felt disgusted with herself as she was brought out of her thoughts.

Mattie was looking up at her with worry in her eyes. Reese didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve the comfort. But she gave in anyways.

Their hands were both shaking, but Reese’s breathing was slowing, her clarity coming back to her.

The judge hit the gavel and silence fell over the courtroom.

-

Sitting in front of the judge and jury and all of the people who came to watch the trial seemed surreal. Just twenty-four hours ago Chess had been stationed in her hospital bed, doped up on pain medication and staring at the white ceiling every time she woke up in the middle of the night until she finally drifted off again.

Chess tried her damndest to not look over at the defense lawyer, where Riley sat and watched her every move. The prosecutor, a young woman named Ms. Griffith cleared her throat and began to speak, a blessing and a curse.

“Will you please state your full name for the court?”

Chess let out a breath. “Francesca Kennedy Middleton.”

The questions were easy, for a while. And then, Ms. Griffith smiled in apology at Chess and asked, “Could you please recount the events leading up to the assault?”

“Kate and Farrah had gotten into an argument, and Kate shoved Farrah so Riley separated them and told Kate to take a walk. I followed her out to the bench and we got in an argument, so Kate stormed off.” Chess knew it would be trouble to look over at Kate in this moment, or anywhere except for Ms. Griffith.

“And then?” she prompted patiently.

“Right, sorry,” Chess started again. “I thought I heard someone, so I got up but it was just the neighbor’s dogs. I went to go sit back down but I heard more footsteps, so I turned around and…”

The memories had been floating around her all the time at the hospital, not quite sinking in, dreamlike in their nature. But now she had to peruse each one like a painting at an art museum, picking out little details she never wanted to know.

The glint of the knife in the streetlight. The instant of recognition, Riley’s face and mannerisms, suddenly foreign and violent and  _ oh.  _

The first thing she had felt was a release of tension. The knife had glided into her abdomen like butter, and for a split second it was exactly what Chess wanted, needed. An escape.

And then there had been the pain. Blinding, white hot sharpness as she collapse backwards onto the bench. She clutched the wound and felt the blood oozing through her fingers. And even then, there was a sense of relief, the realization that she didn’t have to try anymore, conflicting with her instinct to  _ survive survive survive.  _ There was an overwhelming fear, so dark it threatened to swallow her whole, contrasting with the contentedness that settled in her chest.

But Kate was there, and Riley was gone. Kate was whispering assurances and Chess wanted to tell her that  _ it’s okay, it’s okay, you can let me go, let me go. _

“Francesca?”

She snapped to attention once more.

“I turned around and I saw Riley there with a knife, and then I screamed and she stabbed me.”

Ms. Griffith nodded. “Can you remember anything that happened right after?”

“I fell backwards onto the bench, and a few seconds later Kate was trying to stop the bleeding with her flannel. After that it all gets fuzzy.”

From the get go, the defense attorney was of a different breed than Ms. Griffith. “Francesca, what was your argument with Kate about?”

Chess bit her lip. She had hoped this wouldn’t come up, but she had known there was a great possibility. “She found the pain medication I’d been taking for my knee.”

“Was this medication prescribed?”

“Yes, but I had been taking it more often than I was supposed to.”

“And were you under the influence during the assault?” The attorney had a tired look on his face, like this was just another job for him. Chess realized that for him, it was just another job, in a sudden jolt.

“Yes. I had taken two pills that night.”

He sighed. “So, combined with the fact that you were not sober and that it was nighttime, is it reasonable to say you, perhaps, didn’t really see that it was Riley that stabbed you?”

The notion of what he was implying almost made Chess go off in Kate’s defense, but she bit her tongue and collected herself. “I wasn’t high enough to be delusional, and there was a streetlight right next to me. I know what I saw.”

“The defense has no more questions,” the attorney told the judge. Chess sighed in relief as she was allowed to return to her seat.

On her way back, however, she finally looked over at Riley. The shock reverberated through her, like she was getting stabbed again. The pain, the fear, the terrible ease of death.

What if Riley had aimed a little to the left? What if Kate had just gone back to the basement? What if Eva hadn’t turned up and called the ambulance? What if something had gone wrong in surgery, what if she had gotten infected and died anyways?

But everything had played out the way it had, and Chess took Kate’s hand, unaware of how her fingers trembled until Kate squeezed in reassurance.

She didn’t let go.

-

God, Farrah needed a drink.

Her testimony had been… fine. She didn’t say anything that hadn’t already been said. She was drunk, she was upstairs in the bathroom, she saw Kate storm into the house at some point, she didn’t know what had happened to Chess until Annleigh burst into the bathroom with terror written on her face. The testimony wasn’t why she was about to cave.

It was the way Riley sat there, a smug little smirk on her face, like she was happy about all of this. Like  _ this  _ is what she wanted, not a corpse or two. Like she’d planned it all.

Farrah knew a lot about ruining things for everyone, and it wasn’t exactly something to be proud of. It sucked and made her feel like shit and the fact that Riley was  _ happy  _ about this, in some sick way, was pissing her the fuck off.

There was also  _ Chess. _

Everyone was gathered outside of the courthouse, waiting to go home. It just didn’t feel right to leave immediately, even though everyone was itching to. And Chess kept looking over at Farrah with pity in her eyes. 

She didn’t  _ want  _ pity. She wanted things to be back to normal. She wanted furious arguments and her stupid carelessness.

She hated it all. Hated Riley, hated Chess, hated how Annleigh actually seemed to care now, hated that she knew her stash of beer at home was empty, hated the trial and the testimony. It all made her blood boil and she was going to get a drink if it was the last thing she did.

“Farrah!”

She whipped her head towards the noise, ready to shit on someone for talking to her. Reese was waving her over from where she stood next to Mattie and Farrah couldn’t tear down Reese.

“What’s up?” she sighed and crossed her arms when she was close enough. She tried not to notice Mattie watching her movements like she had been the whole day. It was uncanny, how much that girl saw.

Reese was smiling and Farrah was happy for her but she really needed to just go home, right now. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out again, do something. I do  _ not  _ want to be thinking about the trial for the rest of the day.”

Goddamn it. Farrah knew she couldn’t go home like this. She’d break down and pick the liquor cabinet’s lock and  _ God  _ she wanted that more than anything, but it wasn’t what was good for her.

Farrah looked back towards Chess for a moment and saw her concerned eyes for a split second as Chess turned away immediately.

“Sure, let’s do it. I don’t care what,” she agreed finally and let her arms fall back to her sides. Reese grinned at her and what could she do? Her enthusiasm was infectious.

“Mattie, you want to come?” Farrah surprised herself by asking. Mattie blinked at her, as if not really believing she was being spoken to. “Me and Reese are the coolest kids here, you’d be doing yourself a favor.” Reese scoffed a bit and Farrah shot her a lighthearted glare.

“I mean, I guess if you want me to…”

“Hell yeah.” Farrah smiled at her and felt all of the hate slipping to the back of her mind, taking with it the itch for alcohol. “You better prepare yourself cause we’re definitely going to Target and I’m going to go apeshit.”

She left the parking lot feeling somehow lighter. 

-

Walking out of the courthouse didn’t feel like real life. Or maybe it was stepping back into real life. Either way, the trial had been something from another world; something of utmost importance, too much to be spoken about. It was easier to ignore. It was better to leave it be.

“As fun as this was, I’ve really gotta go,” Kate said, voice dripping with sarcasm as per usual. Eva smiled at her and felt a now-familiar bubbly feeling in her stomach. Chess looked at Eva and laughed as Kate spend a solid thirty seconds searching through her bag for her keys.

“Drive safe for once, will you?” Chess teased lightly. Eva wished she knew all of it, the intricacies of their friendship. How it felt to understand Kate and all of her quirks. It was almost like jealousy, the sudden almost-physical pain in her chest.

Kate scoffed. “I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep.” She and Chess exchanged a meaningful look and oh, maybe it wasn’t  _ almost  _ jealousy, it  _ was  _ jealousy.

“See you around,” Eva said. Kate gave her a warm smile and waved goodbye and then she was gone. It was just Chess and Eva.

“So,” Chess sighed, turning back towards Eva from looking over at Farrah, Reese and Mattie. She smirked and crossed her arms. “You’re into Kate.” Shit, that’s not what Eva had been expecting.

“What?”

“Dude, you’re  _ so  _ into Kate, it’s embarrassing.”

“I’m really not,” Eva laughed, trying to play it off.

Chess just looked at her skeptically. “I mean, she likes you too,” she offered. Eva suddenly stood up straighter. “Don’t tell her I told you that.”

“She said that?”

“Well, no, but the only thing more embarrassing than how much you like Kate is how oblivious you are to her feelings.”

Really? Eva laughed again, awkwardly, because what else was she supposed to do when there was an out-of-place giddiness in her heart and a stupid smile on her face?

“But, I am her best friend and no offense, if you hurt her at all, I was basically an Olympian and I’ll kick your ass, okay? Stab wound and all,” Chess continued seriously. “She’s the best person in the world. Like, the light of my life and all that. Okay, now text her.”

“Huh?”

“Text her! Ask her on a date!”

Eva grinned. “If you’re insisting…”

“I am!”

“Okay, okay, I will!”

The bus ride home was about thirty minutes long and Eva couldn’t stop smiling the whole time. How strange it was that something so good could come from something so terrible, she thought as she drafted the text over and over again.

Riley sucked, Chess getting stabbed sucked, it was all shit. And maybe she felt bad for thinking it, but Eva was so glad it happened. So glad one of her coworkers didn’t show and she had gotten stuck with delivery. So glad that she’d gotten there when she did, that she ditched the rest of her shift to take Kate to the hospital, that she’d come back, that she hadn’t left the hospital room that day.

It was so terrible that it was so wonderful.

-

Annleigh felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders as soon as she stepped out of the court.

The worst of it was passed. There was still all the gossip, all of the strange glances, and the knowledge that Riley was trying to kill Chess, but there was no more uncertainty. No more fear that Riley was going to be walking the same halls anymore.

And even through the rest of it, Annleigh knew she was going to be okay. She waved to Farrah getting in the passenger seat of Reese’s car and knew she’d be happy. She felt Clark’s arms around her waist and knew she’d be loved.

She glanced over at Cairo and felt the exact opposite. Cairo looked, frankly, like a mess, and she had been glued to the bench for the last half an hour.

After ten minutes, Farrah, Reese and Mattie were gone. Five more minutes and Kate, Eva and Chess had left, too.

“Hey love, you ready to go yet?” Clark had asked softly. Annleigh had shaken her head and nodded discreetly towards Cairo, who hadn’t seemed like she would have noticed anything anyways.

“I’m worried about her. Can we wait until she leaves?” It surprised her how true it was, considering that she had been ready to compete with Cairo for co-captain just a few days ago, annoyed at her for truth-or-dare, angry that she’d interrupted her and Clark in the kitchen.

Seeing Cairo in such a lifeless state was so wrong. It was hard not to notice, and harder not to care.

“Sure, no problem.”

But fifteen minutes later, Cairo still hadn’t moved and Clark was antsy and no matter how much Annleigh wanted to make sure she was safe, she was itching to leave as well.

“Hey Cairo,” she started as she approached. “Clark and I were going to go grab dinner. Do you want to come with us?”

Cairo slowly looked over. “What?” she said. Annleigh frowned at her tone.

“I asked if you wanted to come with us to dinner. I know it’s kind of early, but—”

“No, I meant why the fuck are you inviting me?” The venom in Cairo’s voice made Annleigh step back.

“I don’t want to leave you here by yourself!” Annleigh tried not to take anything she was saying to heart.

Cairo scoffed. “So nice to have your pity, Annleigh.”

“It’s not pity,” Annleigh shot back and then toned her voice down. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Sure, whatever.” Cairo shut her eyes and crossed her arms. “I’m not hungry.”

Annleigh bit her tongue and then sighed. “Okay. Will you send me a text later when you get home?”

“If it’ll get you off my back.”

So she and Clark meandered over to their parking spot and buckled up. Clark was the first to speak up. “What was she going on about?”

Annleigh shook her head. “She thought I was pitying her or something. Which isn’t true.”

“Is she gonna be okay?”

Annleigh watched Cairo as they drove past her. “I hope so.” Clark nodded and the car was quiet. Annleigh breathed deeply, trying to rid herself of the unease that came with leaving Cairo behind like that.

She almost said,  _ but I just don’t know. _

-

Driving was the only time Kate was ever able to think. Something about the rumble of the engine and the monotony of suburban roads made her open up.

She sped past her street and kept driving and the mindset began to kick in almost immediately after.

_ You’re going to get in a crash one day, you know that, right?  _ Chess had laughed a few weeks ago after Kate had picked her up on an impulse to drive around. She was always so concerned, always looking out for something going wrong.

Thinking about Chess just made Kate’s heart ache. Sure, she had considered the possibility of liking Chess, many times, but she hadn’t  _ really  _ thought that… Well, Chess knew her better than she knew herself. Kate accelerated through a yellow light. And she’d been right, as usual.

Emotions were shit, Kate had decided a while ago. They were shit when her first real crush led her on and then left and hadn’t said a word since. They were shit when she was head over heels for her best friend and didn’t really understand that for years. They were especially shit when there was someone new, someone so beautiful and sweet and someone Kate knew she didn’t deserve.

Damn, she couldn’t run this yellow. She screeched to a halt and drew a honk from the Honda Civic behind her. Kate purposely waited five seconds to go when the light turned green just to piss them off more.

She grinned when the Honda let out another long honk as they turned right and for a moment she was in the passenger seat, and Bridget was driving her to cheer practice and laughing at the people who were annoyed with her driving behind her.

_ Sometimes you just have to be a little bit chaotic, Kate,  _ Bridget had said, or something along those lines.  _ Otherwise you’re gonna get bored real fast. _

It was that impulsive and wild spirit that had taken Kate’s breath away. Bridget was gone, and so were those feelings, but the effects remained. The speeding, the sharp turns, always sticking one foot over the line. Life as moments and not as a continuity.

Kate merged onto the highway and leaned back in her seat. She saw Giles Corey High in the distance and her mind drifted back to the trial.

Riley’s red hair, no longer in the tight ponytail. Her eyes cold and calculating, watching Kate testify. It had just made her angry, when she’d been up there, but now it only made her think. What was the plan? What would killing Chess have done? 

She pressed harder on the gas as she remembered the defense attorney accusing her of attacking both Riley  _ and  _ Chess, pestered her about Chess’ addiction and how it must have hurt her, so maybe the fury just got too much. Kate wasn’t a big crier, not in public, but god _ damn  _ if she hadn’t come close. Thank god for Ms. Griffith finally being able to cut him off.

Kate tightened her hands on the steering wheel and tried to forget the blood that had coated them just a week ago. There had been so much blood. She went to sleep and she saw blood. She closed her eyes and she saw blood. She blinked and it was blood.

A car beeped at her as she swung into the right lane to take the exit. Kate needed to get home, wash her hands, shower, anything to get the phantom blood off of her skin.

The itch began to fade on the long drive back home, and the rolling country roads Kate found herself on lulled her back into her thoughts.

When she pulled into her driveway, Kate killed the engine but stayed put. She turned on her phone, which she always put on do-not-disturb during her long drives, and blinked at the notifications that awaited her.

**1h ago, Bridget: ** _ Hey, I just heard about what happened. Are you and Chess okay? And the rest of the team? _

The first message from her in months. It simultaneously pissed Kate off and put a smile on her face. Maybe she’d reply tomorrow, but she wasn’t about to get into the whole story over text.

**50m ago, ♜:** _Text me when you get home! Or else I’m gonna assume you finally got in a wreck_

Kate shook her head at Chess’ worried nature and send a quick text back.

**9m ago, Eva: ** _ hey, would you want to go get a coffee with me tomorrow? _

This one made Kate’s heart leap up in her throat and for the first time in a long time she let herself feel hope.

-

Cairo’s eyes were unfocused, staring out to the horizon. It wasn’t like there was anything else to see. The scene hadn’t changed for hours. Black benches on a concrete path, and just a few yards away, the towering structure of the town’s court. Trees stretched into the impossibly blue sky, branches swaying lethargically in the warm August breeze. People walked by, no-one of importance. The murmur of conversation gradually fading to silence as the sun began to dip behind the trees and the wind took a cold turn and began to blow against Cairo’s back instead of her right side.

It could have been peaceful.

Cairo could have thought about nothing, could have just noticed the way that the air around her shifted, the sun painting the sky in reds and golds, the way the light reflected off of the leaves and clouds.

Instead she stared at nothing and felt the empty pit in her stomach. It was all-consuming.

Seeing Riley, sitting stiff at the defense attorney's desk, watching Cairo with a mixture of regret and hope or maybe that was just what she had convinced herself she saw. Maybe there was nothing there and her Riley was really just gone.

Cairo had been sitting there for hours. Her stomach rumbled, her mouth was so dry, her eyes were heavy and her body stiff. But she didn’t want to eat or drink. She didn’t want to go home and sleep, didn’t even want to ease the deep-set ache in her bones by moving.

_ Do you want to come with us?  _ Annleigh had asked. She had shaken her head, because there was no want in her body, just heaviness and darkness and emptiness.

And then there was the memory of  _ what do  _ you  _ want, Cai?  _ and Riley’s soft eyes glancing down to her lips, and this hadn’t been what the conversation had been about at all, they were talking about ordering Chinese or some shit, but the weight of her answer had been so crushing, so sudden. She said  _ I don’t know  _ and Riley smiled with something sad behind it and then handed her a take-out menu.

What did she want? To go back in time and start over? Was there anything she could have said or done different? Did she want to move on, find a party and get drunk and hook up with someone? To lose herself just for a night?

The gaping pit was all there was, until it wasn’t.

It was like every emotion Cairo hadn’t allowed herself to feel in the last week was cascading over her. It welled up in her heart, made it difficult to breath, made it impossible to stop the tears.

In the moment, all she wanted was Riley. It was the simple, irrevocable truth, and it resonated through Cairo, it made her whole body shake with sobs, it filled the silent air and it made innocent passersby give her a strange glance.

She wanted play-dates arranged by parents in kindergarten. She wanted the bouncy house from her seventh birthday party and all of Riley’s laughter there. She wanted the make-believe, and the joy of being a kid and having a best friend and that was it.

She wanted fourth grade projects that turned into crying, and grateful smiles and a life forever changed in a moment.

She wanted fifth grade recess, laughing at the football boys and gossiping about the other girls and pretending she didn’t hear what they said about her and Riley.

She wanted the sixth grade talent show, which she had convinced Riley to skip with her and they ran home in the rain and all of the trouble they got in was worth it.

She wanted seventh grade and pillow forts and giggling about how they were too old for this now, but doing it anyways because there was nobody to judge them.

She wanted eighth grade and all of the awkward that came with it, all of the regrets, and every single cringy photograph.

She wanted freshman year and promising to never hurt each other, because all of their friends were different now, and no matter what they’d stick together.

She wanted sophomore year and loving so much that it hurt, burned, festered and then trapping it all inside and letting some random boy have his way.

She wanted junior year and kissing underneath fireworks and feeling whole for the first time, feeling  _ right, _ and the electricity that crackled every time they brushed fingers afterwards.

Cairo wanted Riley,  _ her _ Riley, to appear out of thin air and hold her through the pain, through the sobs that wracked her body and tore her apart. She wanted to smell her strawberry shampoo and hear her voice, soothing and positive. She wanted to take her hand and never let go. She wanted their senior year together, maybe even  _ together  _ if they straightened themselves out.

But all of that was nothing now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you could uh....send me watt-related asks...or literally anything! @mightymightytigers on tumblr


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang worries about Cairo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote the plan for this chapter about four months ago and then today i sat down and wrote the entire thing in one sitting. i have not edited this in any way shape or form and i am so sorry about that. hopefully next chapter wont take so long lmaoooo enjoy<3

Alright, so maybe Eva was nervous.

When it came to cheer, science, and (apparently) to dealing with attempted murders, she could keep her cool. Hell, every date she’d been on before, she had been way more chill.

It might have been because it was Kate. It might have been… No, it was one hundred percent because it was Kate.

Eva so desperately wanted Kate to like her, and despite Chess’ several assurances that she already did, there was still stress.

That couldn’t stop her from smiling when she saw Kate walk into the café. Eva had been waiting up at the front for around five minutes, and probably would have gotten dirty looks from the baristas if she wasn’t a regular. The five minutes probably worsened her anxiety in all honesty.

“Hey,” Eva greeted warmly and then had no clue how to keep going. Why was it suddenly so hard to make conversation?

Kate just smiled back at her and said, “Hey.” Eva felt something like a flock of birds taking off in her chest and for the seventh time that day how she was lucky enough to know Kate. Or unlucky enough, all of their meeting circumstances considered.

“So, they have like, incredible milkshakes here,” Eva started, tearing her eyes away from Kate’s before she went crazy. “But their coffee is also super good and I’m lactose intolerant, so…”

“Oh, no, don’t tell me you’re one of those freaks who drinks plain black coffee.” The nervous knot in Eva’s chest began to dissolve.

“Oh, God,” she shot back with a smile, “do you order those sugary nightmares and call them coffee?”

“Well, I’m sorry that I like to actually enjoy my drinks,” Kate grumbled good-naturedly.

“I’m sorry that I actually like the taste of coffee.”

They ordered their drinks, Eva predictably getting a black coffee with a bit of room for cream and Kate ordering a monstrously sweet iced vanilla drink of some kind. Kate ended up forcing her to try a bit, and Eva could admit it was tasty but  _ not  _ coffee.

“I just think that if you’re going to a good coffee shop you should splurge a bit!” Kate argued. Eva rolled her eyes.

“No, you should get something that’s actually coffee.” They’d been stuck in the stalemate for the last couple minutes and soon a lull came over their conversation. Shit, if there was something Eva wasn’t good at, it was awkward silences.

“So, um—”

“I was wondering—”

“We’ve gotta stop doing that,” Eva laughed. “It makes me feel like we’re in some bad romcom or something.”

Kate coughed, choking on her drink. Shit, should she not have…? “Um,” Kate cleared her throat a final time, “Romcom?” Fuuuck.

Eva began to drum her fingers on the table, an old nervous habit. “Or we could, uh, cut the ‘rom,’ I’m sorry, I thought—”

“No! Um, no,” Kate reached out and put her hand on Eva’s and the drumming ceased. “Romcom, absolutely, hell yeah.”

Eva let out a quick sigh of relief and hoped her face wasn’t too red as she took Kate’s hand. “Sick.”

-

If you had told Farrah about a month ago that she would be having a movie night with Reese and Mattie, she’d have laughed in your face. But here she was.

The Clarke house had a perfect living room for movie nights, perfected over the years by Annleigh and Clark. The TV was a large flatscreen, stationed right above the fireplace that hadn’t been used in at least two decades. The kitchen was right next to it for easy snack access and the floor could be covered with beanbags if the couch wasn’t enough space (or if people didn’t want to spend several hours getting their cat’s hair off their clothes). Apollo’s shedding was notorious and one of the many things Annleigh hated about him.

Whatever, Annleigh was also a horse girl so it’s not like she had any rights, Farrah had decided a long time ago. Apollo the cat was legendary. Whoeverthefuck the horse was nothing.

It took almost an hour to decide what to watch.

“Fuck you, we’re watching Lemonade Mouth!” Farrah was on her feet and pointing an accusatory finger at Reese.

“That’s literally trash, and Tangled is right there!” Reese shot back.

“This is my house!”

“I’m your guest!”

“So? I’m in charge here.”

“Okay  _ sophomore.” _

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!”

“I’ve waited four years to invoke my senior privilege, I can do it whenever I want!”

“GUYS!” Mattie shouted. Farrah’s mouth shut in pure surprise. She glanced at Reese, who wore an equal expression of shock. “Let’s just watch Camp Rock.”

“But—”

“Mattie—”

“Wow, I’m so glad you both agree!” Mattie said with an exaggerated smile and hit play. Farrah crossed her arms as she fell back onto her beanbag but she didn’t complain - Camp Rock was like, her second choice, anyway. She still sent Reese a dirty look but soon enough couldn’t stop the small smile on her face.

Life wasn’t perfect by a long shot, but moments like these almost were. She was several weeks clean, she had new friends who didn’t live to hate each other. Reese was hilarious and matched her chaotic nature perfectly; Mattie had taken a while to warm up but her sweetness and excitement shone like the sun.

They were in the middle of watching the Jonas Brothers jam out onstage when Annleigh appeared from her room and joined them quietly. Farrah tried to catch her eye—she was strangely quiet—but Annleigh’s eyes were trained completely on the screen. Something was wrong because nothing about the Jonas Brothers was  _ that  _ interesting.

Farrah, Reese and Mattie continued to poke fun at the movie and Annleigh didn’t even try to shush them like she always had when watching something with Farrah.

“Hey, Annleigh,” Farrah finally spoke up. “Can you help me get some more snacks?” It was complete bullshit, there were plenty of snacks already laying out and Annleigh gave Farrah a disbelieving look. “Just come on!”

Once they were in the kitchen, Annleigh sighed and crossed her arms. “What’s this about?” she half-snapped.

“No need to get pissy,” Farrah laughed, unsure if Annleigh was actually mad. “You’re being weird, that’s all.”

Annleigh pursed her lips and averted her gaze. Oh shit, not good. “Is it Clark? Are you guys okay?” Farrah tried. “Wait, weren’t you guys going to go out tonight? Did that motherfucker—”

“No, he’s just feeling ill so we had to cancel. And don’t call him that!”

“Sorry!” Farrah glanced around. “Look, just tell me what’s up. You’re scaring me.”

“It’s just… Cairo,” Annleigh admitted. “I’m worried about her.”

“Okay…? Did she, like, send you something concerning…?” Farrah tried to follow.

Annleigh shook her head. “I don’t think she’s been taking care of herself, and she isn’t talking to anybody. Like, everyone else has reached out in the groupchat in some way by now, you know? Even that Eva girl. But Cairo hasn’t.”

Farrah thought for a moment. “I don’t know what we can do about that.”

“That’s the thing,” Annleigh sighed and then gave her a tight smile. “I think I have one.”

-

It was that Tuesday when Reese was heading over to her favorite coffee shop again - school had started just the day before and she already had some reading to do. Her fault for taking AP Lit, she supposed. They were starting off the year with Hamlet and she was technically supposed to have read the first and second acts in the summer. Whoops! The plan was to sit in the shop and read for the next couple hours.

Reese sat with her large caramel latte at a table by a window and pulled her copy of Hamlet out of her bookbag. Truly, she meant to start reading, but she got distracted by a bright pink car and went down a rabbit hole until she was thinking about Annleigh’s plan to get Cairo back to herself again.

If you asked Reese, it wasn’t going to be that simple. Annleigh wanted them all to take Cairo out to a nice restaurant and then have a girls’ night or something like that. It wasn’t a bad idea, per say, but… She just didn’t think that’s what was going to help Cairo deal with the fact that her best friend tried to kill someone.

Hey, at least the thought of killing people got her back on track to Hamlet, even if she didn’t really register the first scene because she was thinking about Riley again.

Reese made it through act one without much incident, although her stomach roiled reading Hamlet vow to avenge his father. The bell on the door drew her out of her thoughts. Wait, was that Kate?

Kate ordered something and then noticed Reese, who quickly averted her eyes as she started to approach her. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Just catching up on summer homework,” Reese sighed and closed Hamlet. Kate made a disgusted face.

“Ew.”

“Yeah, I felt that.”

Kate gestured to the seat across from Reese. “Mind if I sit? I was just gonna work on homework, too.”

“Sure, go for it,” Reese replied as Kate pulled out what looked like math homework. Interactions with the team were strange. It wasn’t like she was ever actually part of it, she was just there when someone almost died so they treated her like one of them.

For maybe fifteen minutes, the only disturbance was Kate getting up to grab her drink. Reese had finished writing her thoughts on act one and just started into act two when Kate spoke again.

“Hey, are you going to go to that thing Annleigh’s planning?”

Reese grit her teeth for a moment. “Probably. I think Annleigh will break my legs if I don’t.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kate laughed half-heartedly. She looked like she wanted to say more, so Reese closed the play again.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Kate shook her head and Reese gave her an unconvinced look. “Ugh, fine. It’s just… Cairo, like, hates me. I don’t think she’ll want me there anyway, so what’s the point of going, you know?”

Relief cascaded over Reese. “Thank God someone else thinks the same!”

“I don’t know, is that like, mean of us?” Kate stirred her drink as she spoke. Reese leaned back in her chair and chuckled.

“Maybe a bit. But I think I’m allowed to be after she bullied me for literal years.”

“For real.”

The air grew heavier around them. Kate shook her head again and took a sip. “But at the same time, I’m worried, you know?”

“Yeah,” Reese nodded. “Extreme circumstances, it makes sense. I think…” She pursed her lips. “She made me feel like shit for such a long time, but of course I’m concerned, like, when people get stabbed a lot of rational things go out the window. I think we’re obligated to go. Social rules or something.”

“You’re right,” Kate agreed after a moment. “It’s going to be quite the interesting day when it comes.”

Reese smiled tightly. “But for now, homework.” Kate groaned and picked up her pencil and Reese’s smile became real.

Maybe she was never really part of the team, but it was nice to be part of this group now. Even if it was only because Chess died.

Kind of a weird way to make friends, but if it works, it works.

-

Mattie had lots of fears, but one of them was definitely seeing people she knew at the pharmacy. Rationally, she knew that there were a lot of reasons that people needed medication and she shouldn’t be ashamed of having anxiety, but sometimes she just wasn’t rational.

Wednesday afternoon after school, she had to go get her medication filled. She was doing much better with leaving the house, and getting back to school and having a routine was certainly helping. She still got unhealthy waves of fear whenever she was bright red hair, but she wasn’t trapped on her couch checking every noise and movement. She would take what she could get.

The line was long when Mattie and her mother arrived at the grocery store the pharmacy was located inside of, so she prepared herself to be there for a while and her mother went off pick up her small list of groceries. About a minute later, out of the corner of her eye Mattie saw someone get in line behind her. Oh god no, was that…?

“Mattie, hey!” Chess greeted with a smile on her face.

“Oh!” Mattie laughed uncomfortably. “...Hey!” 

“I haven’t seen you since the trial, how are you doing?”

“You’re asking  _ me  _ how I’m doing?” Mattie genuinely couldn’t believe this girl. Even being herself, Mattie didn’t think she would be asking others how they were if she had gotten stabbed. “You’re crazy.”

Chess shook her head. “I mean, once I’m finished with this next round of antibiotics, I shouldn’t have to go to the doctor anymore, so I’m basically good as new.” Oh thank God. Part of Mattie had thought Chess was there to get more painkillers.

There was a questioning look forming on Chess’ face. Mattie scrambled for an excuse. “Oh, I’m just holding my mom’s place in line, she’s just grabbing a few things, you know, haha.” God she was an idiot, why couldn’t she just be normal for once, Jesus Christ.

“Gotcha.” Chess nodded and definitely didn’t believe Mattie whatsoever but she was a nice enough person to not say anything. Mattie was incredibly grateful. “So, are you going to come to the… uh, I guess the Cairo party.”

“I was planning to? I mean, it seems like the right thing to do?” Mattie responded. “I just hope she doesn’t get me drunk again.”

“I don’t think that’ll happen. I don’t think she’s doing well enough to try again,” Chess admitted.

“Oh.” Mattie stood in silence for a couple of moments.

“Anyway,” Chess sighed, “It’ll be fun, I swear. No more stabbings. All good times.”

“Sorry if I don’t believe you,” Mattie said. Chess shrugged. It was both a blessing and a curse when her mother appeared from around the corner. “Hey mom, this is Chess. From the cheer team.”

“Oh!” her mother gasped. “Wow, we followed you all the way to the Olympics!” Mattie winced and watched Chess give a painful smile. “Oh—I’m so sorry, how insensitive of me, how are you doing, honey?” 

“Doing just fine, thanks for asking,” Chess replied in a practiced tone. Mattie felt for her—she had had to prepare the same phrase, fake it until she made it.

The pharmacist finished with the next person and it was Mattie’s turn finally. “Well, I guess I’ll see you on Saturday, then,” she said before she and her mom stepped up.

It was weird, how much better everybody was, but still shattered underneath. Mattie noticed it all, no matter how much she tried to stop. It was ingrained in her blood, it felt like. Farrah always had a facade up, to hide all of her hurt. Reese would stare off into the distance for hours if you let her. Just from that conversation, Chess was constantly checking behind her. It was terrifying.

If everyone was still like this, Mattie dreaded what would happen on Saturday.

-

“Can I make a reservation for seven in the evening on Saturday for a party of eight? No room? That’s too bad. Thanks anyway!”

Annleigh hung up with enough force that she was scared for a moment that she was going to break her phone. That was the third restaurant that had turned her away, and there was only one more decent restaurant in town that met all the teams’ dietary restraints.

She’d been planning this out for the last four or so days, working around the one day where everyone on the team was free, finding places everyone could eat, and on top of that working on all her classes - it had only been a week and she already felt like she was behind. The idea that school was actually back made her sick. She wasn’t looking forward to getting ripped a new one by her parents when she got her first test scores back.

Clark was her one saving grace as he lay next to her on her bed (the door was wide open, Mr. Clarke’s policy). “No luck?”

“Nope,” she sighed as she dialled the last restaurant's number. Clark kissed her head and Annleigh relaxed as the line rung.

“Hi! Could I make a reservation, please? Saturday at seven PM, party of eight?” Annleigh raised a triumphant fist as the hostess confirmed that it would work. “For Annleigh will work, thank you. Yep. Thanks!” She threw her phone down onto the bed. “Thank the Lord,” she murmured as she curled up next to Clark.

“Annleigh, if you want to take a nap, I can finish your English homework. I think I know enough about you to write an ‘About Me’ essay,” Clark offered. Annleigh shook her head.

“Cheating’s bad, Clark.”

“I know,” Clark said as he stroked her hair gently. “But you’re exhausted, love. You need to rest.” Annleigh shook her head again and let out a shaky breath.

It was beyond tempting to let him. She  _ was  _ tired. She was barely a week into school and she was already falling behind and now she was planning out this event, and Farrah had gotten home late from Reese’s house last night and Annleigh’s parents had blamed her instead of Farrah… Her eyes began to water and she struggled to steady her breathing.

“It’s okay, Annleigh, just go to bed,” Clark murmured. Against her better judgement, she gave in.

When Annleigh woke up, Clark was gone, and she was wrapped up in her blankets. A note lay beside her head— _ Sorry for leaving, but my mom wanted me home. Your English essay was mysteriously completed… must have been a miracle :) Love you! -Clark. _

Annleigh let the smile spread on her face. She really had the sweetest boy on the planet.

Next, she checked her phone. It was around six, meaning she had been asleep for about two hours and dinner would be soon. Below the time was a text.

**11m ago ** _ Farrah: heard u were not vibing. so i made gluten free cupcakes. u should have some they r pretty good if i do say so myself. n i do say so. _

Annleigh grinned wider. She was a lucky one.

-

Chess rolled to a stop in front of Eva’s house. She had designated herself as the driver tonight. Full offense to Kate, she didn’t trust that girl to drive her anywhere, and Eva needed a ride so of course she offered.

Eva jogged down from her front door and sat in the passenger seat. “Hey, thanks again for the ride.”

Chess began to drive towards Kate’s house. “Of course, it’s no problem. I mean, I’ve gotta pay you back somehow for calling 911 and saving my life, right?” Chess glanced over to see Eva laugh. “You and Kate better not make me third wheel, though.”

“Are you kidding me?” Eva said. “If anything you two would be making me third wheel. I swear to God you guys have whole conversations through facial expressions. You speak a whole different language.”

“If it makes you feel better, most of the time I don’t really know what we’re trying to communicate to each other.” Chess cracked a smile and a comfortable silence fell over the two of them. She relished it. Most of the time her dads or her little siblings were trying to make conversation, anything to keep away the silence, like if they were quiet Chess would shatter. The peace was nice.

“I didn’t ever thank you for making me ask out Kate,” Eva started after a while. “I don’t think I ever would’ve if you hadn’t spoken up.”

“Trust me, it was for my benefit as well as yours. She kept ranting to me about you in the hospital and I was like, holy shit, you’re an idiot, ask her out. Now that’s over. I get some peace and quiet for once.”

Eva laughed quietly and Chess watched her fidget with the strings on her hoodie for a moment before turning her attention back to the road. Chess bit her lip before speaking again. “She means the world to me, you know. She was the only good thing in my life for a long time.” She could feel Eva’s eyes on her. “Not to get overly emotional in the car, but she really is the best person, you know? I hope that you know that.”

“I’ve only known her for a couple weeks, but…” Eva spoke softly and Chess could hear the affection in her voice. “I get what you mean. She’s kind of incredible.”

“She’s the most incredible. You better cherish the fuck out of her.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

Just then they arrived at Kate’s house, and the girl swung into the backseat almost immediately. “Eugh, it reeks of emotions in here. Don’t tell me you two were having a heart-to-heart.”

Chess laughed as Kate kissed Eva on the cheek as a greeting, and then they were off.

-

Kate could see Annleigh, Farrah, Reese and Mattie in the Clarke minivan in Cairo’s driveway as they pulled down the street. She, Chess and Eva stepped out of the car, and soon enough all seven of them were gathered in the driveway, having absolutely no clue what to do with themselves.

“Hey, sorry, my little sister is calling me, I’ll be right back,” Eva murmured to Kate and then slipped away back towards the car. Kate made her way over to where everyone else stood around the minivan and not very subtly stopped staring at the two of them.

“Well, what’s going on with you and Eva?” Reese asked with a very wide grin on her face.

Kate rolled her eyes. “No, you guys are not going to make fun of my love life again. We’re not going back to that.”

“So it is a thing, though?” Farrah pestered.

“If you really need to know, yes, it’s… a thing.” 

There was a lull in the conversation as time went on. It was getting very close to when they needed to leave to make the reservation on time.

Kate paced around. “Somebody did tell her to get ready, right?”

“Yes, of course, I’m a very good planner,” Annleigh responded, clearly exasperated. Kate grimaced. The last time this group of people got together like this, somebody had gotten stabbed. Maybe this wasn’t a very good idea after all.

“Look,” Reese started, as if hearing Kate’s thoughts. “We’ve all committed, somebody just go knock on her door and let’s go.

“Not it,” Mattie muttered. Kate resisted the urge to laugh.

“Well, it has to be one of us.”

Kate shook her head. “You know what, I’ll do it. What’s the worst that could happen?”

_ You could get stabbed,  _ a very helpful voice in her head responded. Great.

Cairo’s doorbell was the most stereotypical suburban noise Kate had ever heard. The  _ ding-dong  _ echoed through the door and for the first time Kate noticed that it looked like no lights in the house were on.

About a minute later, Kate was ready to turn around and give up, mission failed. But just then the door swung open to reveal an exhausted and ragged Cairo. Kate gave her what felt like more of a grimace than a smile.

“Come on, we’re getting out of here.”

-

Cairo used to watch Chopped religiously, but she had stopped a while ago. She’d simply lost interest over time. But with all her newfound free time, considering she hadn’t gone to school and hadn’t really left her house since the trial, she had rediscovered all of its greatness. Truly, there was nothing better than lounging around in sweats and watching dramatic assholes cook like their whole lives depended on it.

The one thing that could make it better was someone to watch with. Cairo shook that thought out of her head.

Anyway. Watching the cooks go batshit crazy on the screen was a nice distraction from everything else in her life. No real stakes. A bunch of people Cairo had no investment in, would never know. Easy.

The problem was the knives. She couldn’t stop thinking about them.

Of course there were knives everywhere, it was a cooking show. But Cairo would see one and think of Riley and Riley stabbing Chess and how must that have felt? Why did she do it? There were knives in her kitchen right now. Cairo could grab one and stab somebody, just like that. Was that what it was for Riley? Just an impulse?

It just made her sick to think about but usually she could get lost in the drama again pretty easily. And then another cook would brandish another knife and the cycle would start again.

The doorbell drew Cairo out of her Chopped-induced trance. Maybe her dad had forgotten his keys and was locked out. It took a moment or two, but Cairo dragged herself off of the couch and trudged over to the door.

When she swung it open, her first thought was  _ oh, hell no. Absolutely not. _

“Come on, we’re getting out of here,” Kate said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you get Annleigh’s text?” Cairo pulled her phone out of her pocket. It had been on do not disturb for the last two days at least, but there was a text there.

**31m ago ** _ Annleigh: Hey, get ready! We’re going out tonight! And you’re coming! We’ll be there in 30 minutes. _

“What the fuck?” she said drily.

Kate shrugged. “Everyone’s already here. We’re all waiting for you.”

“You’re joking.”

“Nope.”

Cairo peered out farther and caught sight of the six girls still standing around the minivan and groaned. “This is bullshit.”

“Come on, it’ll be something to do,” Kate tried to convince her. Cairo shook her head.

“Whatever. I’ll bite but you guys better not show up like this ever again.” Cairo hated the way Kate genuinely smiled. They should’ve just let her rot away in there.

It took about ten minutes for Cairo to get ready. She threw on a pair of jean shorts and a black shirt, did a very minimal makeup routine and begrudgingly made her way out to the group.

Dinner was… fine. All the conversations went a lot like this:

“How are you doing?”

“Oh, you know. But I’m okay.”

No mention of Riley. Chess was clearly hiding the pain from the wound and she didn’t talk about it. The chick who showed up that night was apparently part of the group now. All of them were walking on eggshells and honestly it was the most annoying shit. Nobody really talked outside of their little groups. Cairo didn’t really talk. But her pasta was pretty good, so, whatever, win. And Annleigh paid for it because Cairo had forgotten her wallet. Double win. She even was able to grab a couple breadsticks on her way out. Triple win.

“So what movie are we watching?” Chess asked when they arrived at the Clarke house. Immediately Farrah and Reese were arguing about it and Mattie was trying to mediate between them. When did that happen? What had she missed?

Eventually, somehow, Farrah and Reese agreed on watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Snacks were brought out, even though they had literally eaten dinner a half an hour ago. Somebody passed Cairo a warm orange blanket and Annleigh had even made some hot chocolate so she had a mug full of that.

It was about a third of the way into the movie that their plan sunk in. They were trying to make Cairo feel better. That’s what all this was about. All of the “do you want more cocoa” and “don’t worry, I’ve got it” and on and on. It was sickening. They danced around the point and tried to make it all better and didn’t they  _ remember  _ that this was all only a couple weeks ago? This was a recreation of that night, and nobody was talking about it, except this time Riley was gone and  _ fuck.  _

Riley was gone, locked up in jail for years. Her Riley was gone.

“Pause the movie,” Cairo demanded quietly. Mattie, sitting next to her on the couch, almost immediately hit pause. The entire group fell silent.

“You guys really went through all of this to get me out of my house and now you’re not even going to acknowledge what happened? That’s bullshit,” Cairo started and ignored the lump in her throat.

“Cairo, we just wanted…” Annleigh tried but trailed off.

“No, I know, you just wanted me to feel better or whatever. Congratulations, all we did was just try to move on like nothing happened. That’s not healing. That’s not going to work. Chess almost fucking died because Riley tried to kill her, we can say it, it’s what happened, but you can’t just leave that hanging in the room and not acknowledge it!”

Kate took a breath like she was going to say something but stopped herself. Cairo laughed humorlessly. Good.

“You want to go pretend like we’re all okay? Bullshit. Bullshit! When was the last time you slept peacefully? When was the last time you saw a knife and didn’t think of Riley?” she said to Chess. “I’m going to take a wild fucking guess and say you haven’t. I...” Cairo paused and was horrified to realize that tears had started running down her cheeks.

“I didn’t do enough to help her. She lost it because I couldn’t help her. I loved her so much and I failed her, I  _ loved  _ her and Chess almost died because I couldn’t…” All of the energy was slowly leaving her body. Cairo put her head in her hands as a sob wracked her body.

“Cairo, we’re going to get better, together,” Kate said as she sat down next to Cairo.

“I thought… if we just pretended things were normal…” Annleigh said, “Maybe we could feel normal…”

“It didn’t work,” Cairo said through her tears. “It’s never going to be normal again. Riley’s gone. I loved her and she’s gone.”

“But Cairo,  _ we’re  _ all here,” Chess tried, voice trembling. “We’re all here for you. We’re not going anywhere.”

It all hurt so much. It crushed Cairo under its weight, suffocated her. But with those words it lightened up, just a little bit.

“It’s going to be okay. We’re still here.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get better. slowly, slowly, but they do get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while writing this i remembered that kate says in skype tomorrow "cause your mother makes you" and also that pma said that farrah and annleigh are stepsisters. therefore making some of my headcanons obsolete. however, given that im already here i've decided that i can do whatever i want, so i didnt change anything😌😌

Chess has woken up every morning for the last month and a half with a horrible sting in her gut. It wasn’t a worrying amount of pain, it was just a side effect of healing. But it was a reminder of everything that had gone wrong on the night of the sleepover.

It must’ve been so gradual that Chess didn’t notice that pain disappearing, until one day she woke up and realized that she didn’t feel it.

She rolled out of bed and began to get ready for school, appreciating the routine to take her mind off of the lack of pain. But she couldn’t resist looking at the scar.

During her stay at the hospital, Dr. Arnolds had recommended that she see a therapist. Chess did so and one of the things she had told her was that if looking at the scar was going to cause her to spiral into dark thoughts, she shouldn’t look at it. Pretty obvious stuff, right? Chess laughed to herself as she inspected it anyway.

It was a small scar, honestly. Just a patch of paler, slightly pink skin, a barely-noticeable impression in her stomach. Chess didn’t remember much of that night after getting stabbed, which kind of sucked because her last clear memory was Riley and the knife.

The pain was gone, but sometimes Chess snapped awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, her heart hammering in her chest, all of the  _ what ifs  _ echoing in her head and glints of knives flashing in the corners of her vision.

“Chess, you gonna be out soon? Hurry up!” her brother Jason was pounding at the bathroom door incessantly. She rolled her eyes and opened the door.

“Patience is a virtue,” she said as he all but shoved her aside to get inside.

“Okay boomer.” The door shut behind him.

“I’m only four years older than you!”

“Suck it up!”

Chess rolled her eyes and went downstairs. Jane was sitting at the table eating breakfast like the privileged elementary school kid she was, although only God knew why she still woke up this early. One of her dads was also sitting there, squinting at his phone and trying to zoom in on something.

“Did Dad already take off?” she asked.

“Oh, good morning,” he replied. “Yeah, he realized his flight was leaving earlier than he thought. Sorry.”

“No problem, just wondering.” Chess collected her keys from the counter and then grabbed her backpack. “I’m gonna take off, and I have practice after school today.”

She was just about to step out the door when her dad caught up to her. “Hey, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Dad,” she said, exasperated. He did this at least every other day.

“You’re just leaving awfully quick.”

“I’ve gotta pick up Kate, that’s all,” she shook her head as she spoke. It was nice that he cared, but not when he thought something was up every time she did anything. “I’d tell you if I was feeling bad.”

He frowned, clearly remembering that she had been feeling bad for months after her knee accident and hadn’t said a word. Oops. “Okay. Text me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

As she pulled out of the driveway, Chess wondered if she would ever escape the constant fretting. Nothing could go back to normal if they didn’t let it. Then again, maybe the old normal wasn’t ever okay. Maybe this was what it felt like to heal.

-

Mattie leaned back into the orange bench and watched the cars drive by on the main road. It was just after five-ten and although she knew her mom was going to be late to pick her up, she felt like she had to be watching for her.

Most of the team had left right after practice, since they could all drive, which left Mattie, Annleigh and Farrah out by the front of the school, waiting. In all honesty, Mattie knew literally anyone on the team would gladly give her a ride, but she hated asking for them.

“Oh, it’s Clark!” Annleigh all but squealed when her phone buzzed. Mattie smiled as the girl moved to talk to him over by the doors to the school. They were cute together, always excited to see and talk to each other.

Farrah laughed a bit from where she sat next to Mattie. “You know, when they end up getting married, I’m about ninety percent sure that Clark will take her last name.”

“But then won’t he be…?

“Clark Clarke? Yep.” Farrah grinned. “They were truly made for each other. It’s sickening.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s kinda cute.”

Farrah’s face wrinkled in disgust. “They can have a few rights. As a treat. Anyway...” She sighed and reached into her bag. Mattie was more than a little surprised when she pulled out a matted and poorly-stitched together stuffed tiger. One of its cartoonish, beady eyes had been replaced with a much smaller one in an attempt to repair the damage. Farrah held it out to her.

“Uh?” Mattie reluctantly took the tiger.

“It’s a tradition, older than the sleepover I’m pretty sure,” Farrah said. “It’s supposed to be passed on to the freshman on the team each year. Good luck and all that bullshit.”

“Oh!” Mattie inspected the tiger further. There was what looked like a coffee or tea stain on its yellowing stomach. “He’s been through a lot.”

“With this team? Oh, yeah, he has,” Farrah said.

“Are we sure he’s not actually a  _ bad  _ luck charm?” Mattie joked.

Farrah gave her a pointed look. “If you try to say that around Ri-” She cut herself off and pursed her lips together. Mattie looked down at the ground and bit her tongue.

“What? She’ll kill me or something?” she laughed half-heartedly.

Farrah shook her head as she hid a smile. “I mean, probably.”

“God. That’s a little fucked up.”

“Yeah. I can excuse stabbing but I draw the line at murder.”

“You can excuse stabbing?” Mattie asked. It was certainly weird to joke about this, but at the same time it felt nice. The sheer fact that she  _ could  _ joke about it was a testament to the growth she had gone through.

“Well, I’m glad that thing is off my hands, no offense,” Farrah admitted. “I think he would stare into my soul at night.”

“Everything you’re telling me just points to him being some kind of eldritch horror.”

Farrah shrugged. “Maybe he is. Who’s to say, really.”

“So… I just keep him until next year?” Mattie asked, pulling at the tiger’s ripped tail.

“Yup. He’s supposed to come with you to competitions. We’ve almost left him on a random football field at least three times and I’ve only done one season.”

Mattie smiled as she gently set the tiger into her bag. Maybe she could actually fix him up a bit. “Thanks, I guess.” It was then that Mattie’s mom pulled into the parking lot.

“No problem. Sleep well with that little demon in your room!” Farrah called as Mattie got into the car.

“What does she mean?” Mattie’s mom asked with confusion written on her face.

“It’s just a joke, don’t worry about it. Um, do we still have that sewing kit?”

-

Eva had gone over to Kate’s house plenty of times, but today there was a pep in her step that wasn’t usually there. She smiled to herself as she thought of the news she had gotten just an hour or so ago: She’d gotten a scholarship to Giles Corey High School and would be able to transfer when the next semester started.

“Oh, hey, come on in,” Kate’s tired-looking mom said when she opened the door. “Kate’s up in her room. We just ate but you can take a plate up if you’re hungry…”

“I’m fine, but thanks, Mrs. Dalton.” She was a sweet woman, if slightly overbearing. Eva made her way up the stairs and knocked on Kate’s door.

“Come in!” When Eva stepped through, Kate shook her head. “Oh shit, sorry, I completely lost track of time.”

Eva took a spot next to her on the bed and kissed her on the cheek. “Don’t worry about it. Math homework?” She gestured to the papers Kate was working on.

“Unfortunately. Fucking logarithms.”

“Eugh, gross.”

For the next half hour, Eva watched and occasionally made comments about Kate’s math work and laid her head on her shoulder. It was just nice to be around her, even if they weren’t talking that much. It felt safe.

“You’d think that a math teacher would be rational enough to actually teach, but Mr. Shaw would prove that wrong,” Kate muttered as she finally finished the last problem and tossed the worksheet down by her backpack. “Like, all he talks about are his little kids, and they’re cute but I’m  _ really  _ trying to pass.”

“God, he sounds just like Mrs. Irving. She just tells us about random shit she did as a teenager. It’s entertaining but I haven’t learned anything about American government the whole year.”

Eva’s gaze was drawn to a buzz from Kate’s phone. She didn’t want to invade her privacy, so she quickly averted her eyes, but she still caught sight of the chess piece emoji. “Wait, was that Chess?”

“Yeah…?” Kate paused and looked up from her screen.

“Is her contact seriously a rook? You’re so cheesy.”

Kate flushed. “Maybe. There’s a whole story there.”

“Aw, come on, you have to tell me now.”

“No, you’ll make fun of me!”

Eva smiled as an idea formed in her head. “Okay, you tell me that and I’ll tell you a secret.”

“...Fine,” Kate said after a moment and set her phone down. “You know how people will, like, change their crush’s contact to a bunch of hearts or something?” Eva nodded. “Back in freshman year, I started having this huge crush on Chess, and I didn’t want it to be that obvious so…”

“So you changed it to a chess piece instead?” Eva looked at her skeptically.

“Freshman Kate was weird, I don’t know! And then I just never changed it.”

It was quiet for a moment. “I kind of thought you were into her. What changed?”

Kate laughed. “I mean, I knew she was straight but I never got over it until you came along.” She gestured to her. “Now you have to spill.”

Eva grinned. “I’m going to Giles Corey next semester.”

“What?!” Kate all but shouted. Eva lightly hit her shoulder. At a more reasonable volume, she repeated, “What?”

“They gave me a scholarship and told me I would have to join the cheer team. Didn’t sound like too bad of a deal.”

“You know you’re never seeing a medal again, right?”

“I cheer for fun, you know that,” Eva said, shrugging. “And besides, prestigious private schools look really good on resumes.” Kate shook her head in disbelief.

“Shit. That’s incredible.” 

“Yeah. I’m not looking forward to having to spend so much time with that girl Kate though, she’s  _ such  _ a nerd—” Kate smacked her with a pillow and Eva laughed as she snuggled closer to her.

-

It was, frankly, a dumb thing to be crying about.

Farrah had been cleaning out some drawers that were full of mostly scrap paper and old, unfinished assignments when she had stumbled across an older photo of a large brown dog with her younger face barely poking into frame. There was a stain in the corner and a portion was ripped off, but it still set something off in her. She managed to set the photo and wiped her eyes. God.

This would be less embarrassing if she didn’t have plenty of other things that would be much more valid reasons to cry.

“Farrah?” Annleigh’s voice was accompanied by a knock on her door. Shit. Annleigh was going to make a big deal out of this.

“Come in,” Farrah croaked and wiped her eyes again in a desperate attempt to control the damage, although with just a glance into the mirror she could see that her eyes were red and her face was splotchy.

Annleigh all but burst through the door when she heard Farrah’s voice. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Farrah gave a watery laugh. “Yeah, just found an old picture. My dog, Penny.” She picked up the picture and passed it to Annleigh. “I forgot I had it. Dumb emotional response.”

Annleigh squinted at the mutt in the photo as she sat down on the bed.. “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

“Yeah, she was left with my dad. Poor thing. She was old when I left, so I doubt she’s still alive.” Farrah looked over Annleigh’s shoulder. “I must have been, like, six,” she said as she pointed at the small face on the side. “Penny hated having phones and cameras in her face, so this is a rare masterpiece.” Annleigh was frowning. “What’s the matter? Do you really hate dogs that much? You’re crazy.” 

“No, I just kind of forget sometimes that you had like, another life before you came here,” Annleigh confessed. Farrah raised her eyebrows. “That sounds bad, I just meant that…”

“I get what you meant, don’t worry,” she dismissed her. She knew Annleigh would overthink it otherwise.

“Can I ask you about them? I mean, your birth parents? What were they like?”

Farrah shrugged. “I don’t mind, I guess. My mom was nice. She liked to bake bread and shit. That’s where I get the baking genes from. And my dad was... fine. He worked at an office downtown. He stopped looking after me when my mom died.”

“Do you ever think about visiting him?”

“No,” Farrah answered immediately. “I mean, yeah, I  _ think  _ about it, but I don’t want to. It never really felt like he liked me, and I was never close to him.” Annleigh looked like  _ she  _ was going to start crying, so Farrah continued in a hurry. “It wasn’t that devastating, Jesus, it’s okay!”

“How is that not devastating?” Annleigh asked in disbelief.

“We just didn’t function like you guys do! I don’t know, I was more upset about Mom than worrying about him.”

Annleigh went quiet. “I just hate that you felt unwanted.”

“I didn’t really  _ feel  _ unwanted. I just was.” Farrah realized this was the wrong thing to say when Annleigh’s face fell further and she leaned over to give her a hug. Farrah accepted it after a moment.

“How screwed up would it be if I said I was glad that your mom died so you’d eventually come here?”

“That’s pretty fucked,” Farrah huffed.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, cause it’s also pretty fucked for me to be glad that Chess got stabbed and now we can actually talk to each other.”

Annleigh laughed now. “Control your language,” she scolded lightly as she pulled away. “It’s family game night and Mom and Dad will rip into way more than I will.”

“Ugh, I hate it here.”

“No, you don’t.”

Farrah smiled. “No, I don’t.”

-

Reese sighed as she parked the car. It was the Saturday morning of her first competition and if she knew she would have to get up this early, maybe she wouldn’t have accepted the position on the team.

Okay, that was a lie, she had been waiting for this for, like, four years. She killed the ignition, grabbed her bag from the passenger seat and began to walk over to the gym.

The air was cool, and with the wind there was a definite bite of cold. Reese certainly wasn’t looking forward to being in the thin, short cheer uniform to compete. She jogged the last few paces to the door and blinked in surprise when she saw Mattie already inside.

“Hey, girl,” she greeted. Mattie jumped and pulled her earbuds out. “Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you.”

“Oh, it’s fine, my music was loud anyway. You know. Trying to get hyped,” Mattie said.

“Ooh, a hype playlist? Care to share?” Reese sat down next to her. Mattie smiled and unplugged her earbuds from the phone. Disturbia started playing and Reese laughed. “Okay, I see you.”

“Old jams are the best jams. In my opinion,” Mattie added quickly.

“Anything by Rihanna goes hard.” There was a moment of pause, and then Reese asked, “You excited for your first competition?”

Mattie gave a tight smile. “I mean, yeah. But nervous, too. I don’t want to mess up.”

“Mattie, I’ve existed in close proximity to this team for three years now, and trust me when I say we can’t get any worse than we are right now,” Reese deadpanned.

“I guess you’re right. Are you nervous at all?”

Reese shrugged. “Sure, but I know I’m good and, honestly, I just can’t wait to get out there and prove it to the rest of the world.” It struck her how true it was. She knew that nobody really cared about the Tigers’ performance, just about their drama, but maybe she could change their minds about that.

“Do you think we’ll win?”

“God, no,” Reese answered immediately. “Half of our practices have ended in impromptu therapy sessions.”

“Okay, good point.” Mattie started sifting through her bag. “Hey, did you know about this thing?” Reese stared in horror at the mangled tiger stuffed animal. “It’s supposed to be a good luck charm that the freshman holds onto.”

“That shit’s possessed. I don’t know what to tell you.”

Mattie smiled. “Yeah, but I thought it was kinda fun. It’s both of our first years, so whatever it’s gonna do to me, it’s probably gonna do to you.”

“Aw, we’re gonna be possessed together!” Reese joked.

“It’s called the buddy system.”

Reese laughed. “You’re gonna do fine, Mattie. We’re all in this together, and nobody’s expecting to be perfect.”

“Yeah. I just don’t want to have to leave the team. Despite all of the… bullshit.”

“There’s no way anyone is letting you leave. I’m sorry to break it to you but literally everyone has adopted you as their little sister,” Reese admitted.

“Oh god, no.”

Reese smiled through the rest of their conversation. Six months ago she was the random, hopeless girl in a tiger suit. Now, she was cracking jokes with Mattie and she was creating cheers for the team, and she was waving hello to Annleigh and Chess in the halls, and complaining about math to Kate during class. She and Cairo had even managed to do a science lab together, which was frankly more than she had ever expected.

It was crazy how fast things changed.

-

Kate strolled into the gym with Chess and Eva at her side. It was a weird sense of deja vu, getting ready for a competition after everything. And it wasn’t all bad, per se, but the simplest way to put it would be that the vibes were off.

She was used to Kimberly’s lax attitude from last year, and Emma and Bridget actually doing warmups. She and Chess had been in charge of the warmup playlist and instead of stretching, they’d goof off and dance. Annleigh would try to include Farrah in something, and then get caught up texting Clark, so Farrah took to pestering the other upperclassmen. Cairo was always sick of it. And then, of course, there was Riley’s constant pep, gone now and frankly good riddance.

Eva shook her head as she looked around the gym. “I seriously can’t believe this place is part of your school.”

“Have you seen the bathrooms yet? They renovated them over the summer,” Chess commented. Eva gestured for her to lead the way, leaving Kate by herself. She was going to make her way over to where Mattie and Reese were sitting, but then Cairo walked through the door.

“Kate. Can I talk to you for a second?” she said. Mattie and Reese looked over, intrigued, and quickly averted their eyes when Kate glanced their way.

“Uh, sure.” Kate followed Cairo over to one of the corners of the gym. “What’s up?”

Cairo took a breath and crossed her arms. “I was kind of a bitch to you and Chess.”

“Kind of?”

“Just listen, or my therapist is going to be real disappointed with me, okay?” Kate put her hands up and let her continue. “It was cruel of me. I’m not trying to justify myself, but…” Cairo seemed to recollect herself. “It didn’t have anything to do with you. I was projecting my own insecurities and shit onto you because we were in the same boat. Having feelings for your best friend, I mean. So I’m sorry.”

Kate gave her a little smile. “Wow, that almost didn’t sound rehearsed.” Cairo rolled her eyes.

“I just don’t want us to be at each others’ throats anymore. Any of us,” she said, gesturing to the others; Annleigh and Farrah had arrived at some point. “The fact that someone almost died that night, it kind of just put it all in perspective. So, yeah. Sorry for all of that. It was dumb.”

“It was shitty, is what it was,” Kate replied. She wanted to be able to accept the apology right then. She had never liked Riley, but Cairo had seen something incredible in her and she lost her. Cairo was hurting, still hurting after many weeks. But Kate would be lying if she said all of the shit Cairo taunted her with never got to her. “It means a lot that you’d apologize, though.” Cairo pursed her lips and nodded.

“Sure.” She pointed over towards Eva. “Is she coming with us?”

Kate flushed. “...No?” The plan was absolutely to sneak Eva onto the bus somehow; West High wasn’t competing anywhere today.

“Well, I won’t be looking too close at who’s getting on the bus. Just so you know.” Cairo gave her a smile as she walked away.

A minute later, Kate was sitting next to Eva. “So what’d she want with you?” Eva asked.

“Nothing bad.” Kate glanced up to where Cairo was sitting, earbuds in and phone in hand. “Trying to make things right, actually.” Just a few months ago, she wouldn’t have believed it. She probably would’ve laughed in the face of someone who told her it would happen. But things change.

-

Getting ready in the morning was always a hassle for Annleigh. Getting ready on a Saturday morning when she’d rather be in bed until noon was, and she did not say this lightly, hell.

Farrah had been ready to go for almost ten minutes, which was probably the most embarrassing part about rushing to eat, get dressed and brush her teeth. But they were able to get dropped off at Giles Corey with a couple minutes to spare before the bus would come. Annleigh glanced over at Kate and Cairo curiously, and then followed Farrah over to Reese and Mattie.

Eventually, Eva and Chess appeared from the hallway, and Kate found her way over to Eva. Annleigh laughed inwardly as Chess watched the two of them go off by themselves.

“Third wheeling?” she asked when Chess sat down close by.

“Guess so. To be fair, I did steal Eva at first to go show her the bathrooms.”

“The ones that got renovated?”

“Yeah! I’m gonna miss all the graffiti, though. There was some funny stuff on the stalls.”

Annleigh looked around the room during the silence. As time drew closer for the bus to come get them, everything seemed a bit more off. It took a moment for her to realize that it was the lack of Riley. There wasn’t any energy, no almost off-putting cheeriness to pump everybody up. It wasn’t terrible, but there was certainly a feeling of missing something.

“Feels weird, right?” Chess asked. Annleigh blinked and turned back to her.

“Yeah. A bit.”

“I never want to see Riley again in my life, but I wish I could’ve learned her secret to endless energy. Should I try ten shots of espresso every hour?”

Annleigh smiled. “I think that’s what will get you to murder someone.” Chess shrugged.

“It worked for her for a little bit, at least.”

Annleigh had no idea how to feel about Chess: pity, sure, but this was still the girl who dropped her sister. It was probably silly to still be hanging on to that when even Farrah was able to have actual conversations with Chess now. Annleigh couldn’t get the image of Farrah falling, falling, and hitting the ground hard and not moving. It was horrifying and burned into her mind. But everyone made mistakes and Chess just happened to make a lot, and was that something you could blame her for?

Annleigh didn’t actually know.

“Earth to Annleigh?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry,” Annleigh said and realized she’d been zoning out.

“What were you thinking about?”

Annleigh grimaced and lowered her voice so that Farrah wouldn’t be able to hear. “Honestly, last year. Farrah getting hurt.”

“Oh.” Chess laughed uncomfortably. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

It was okay, but at the same time it wasn’t. Annleigh hated being conflicted like this. “Well, Jesus said to forgive. So there’s that.” There was an awkward silence. “And if Farrah can forgive you, there’s that, too.”

Chess smiled at her, and was going to say something else when the loud brakes of a school bus sounded from outside.

Annleigh collected her bag and stood up.  _ Here we go. _

-

Cairo filed onto the bus at the end, and found a seat in the back by herself. The others were talking and making jokes so she turned up the volume on her music and sat back.

Everyone else seemed so okay.

Here’s the deal: Cairo appreciated that they all tried to help her, but she wasn’t dumb enough to think that all of them liked her all that much. Cairo was glad that she wasn’t alone, but she hadn’t truly felt seen since Riley was taken away. Cairo was trying to listen to her therapist and forgive herself and grow and heal but it was  _ so fucking hard.  _ Some days she felt almost normal. Some days she couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed. Some days she still just cried. They shouldn’t have to be going through this. They were  _ teenagers _ . 

And it was Riley’s fault, and maybe also her own fault for not helping her. Maybe it was Mr. and Mrs. Williams’ fault for pushing Riley too far. Maybe the world just wasn’t fair.

These thoughts had been disappearing with time, but not fast enough. Cairo was sick of it. She wanted to be better. She wanted to be normal again.

She clicked her volume higher and closed her eyes.

They were going to compete today. They weren’t going to win. They probably wouldn’t even place. But they  _ were  _ going to compete. That must be something. That must be healing.

If Riley was still here, they’d be gossiping back here. Cairo would be spilling about some dumb thing her boyfriend did, hoping to see any hint of jealousy in Riley’s eyes. Riley would tell her about a TV show she was watching.

Riley wasn’t here anymore. It was still heartbreaking. Hypothetically, Cairo could go visit her. Even the theoretical made her want to vomit. She wasn’t here.

Some song came on and from the first few notes, Cairo knew what it was and tore her earbuds out. Some songs she couldn’t listen to anymore. But maybe it was a blessing in disguise, because in all the time she’d spent wrapped up in her thoughts, the scene in the bus had evolved. 

Chess was holding a Bluetooth speaker which was blaring What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction and practically screaming along to the lyrics. From across the aisle, Annleigh was singing along with her, much to the disdain of Farrah, Mattie and Reese. Kate was laughing her ass off and she was red in the face, and after a moment Cairo realized it was because Eva (who she 100% hadn’t seen getting on the bus) was dramatically singing along to her.

Riley wasn’t here, but Chess’ words from the dumb (not so dumb, Cairo had come to find, because she was somehow doing better now. Not great, but better) “make Cairo feel better party” echoed in her mind.  _ They  _ were still here. Maybe that could be enough someday.

It was then that the song changed to Up All Night, and the collective team went absolutely batshit, because there were some One Direction songs that nobody could resist. Even Cairo laughed to herself at the first chorus hit and the poor busdriver up front jumped with the scream of “I wanna stay up all night!”

Back at the gym, everything felt odd without Riley, and Cairo knew everyone else felt it.  _ This  _ is what they should have been. Dancing around, singing, getting hyped and not dealing with all the skeletons in their closets and the knives in their stomachs. This is what they should be doing because they were just teenagers on a cheer team and Riley took that from them.

Cairo joined in the singalong eventually, although with much less gusto than the rest of the team. It was nice to forget about everything they shouldn’t have to think about, just for a bit.

Soon enough, though, the bus rolled to a stop outside of Cobalt Prep and nobody got up. Chess turned off the music and the team sat in silence for a moment. All of their good energy had vanished in an instant.

Cairo stood up after wallowing in it for just a second. “Well, damn, guys. We’re here.” She stepped out into the aisle and stood in front of them. “It’s been rough. It’s actually been absolute shit.” All of their faces looked away in practically the same instant. “But we made it. I don’t care about our placement or our points. We’re going to go out there and we are going to perform and they’re going to love it whether they like it or not.”

Slowly the team’s heads turned back to her. Cairo gave them a smile and hoped it was convincing through the heartache and the anger in her heart. “I’m not going to get too emotional, cause I’ve had enough crying to last me forever. We’re strong and we’re resilient and apparently, we get up from stab wounds, so we can handle this. We’ve got each other. Are we ready?”

Chess got to her feet. “Hell yeah, we are.” Cairo’s smile became a little more genuine.

“Then let’s rock this shit.” The rest of the team gradually stood up and Cairo led them to the front of the bus. She paused, and pondered every moment that had gotten them here.

All that teen movie bullshit was just that: bullshit. If Cairo could redo this year, she’d do it in a heartbeat. She would suffer endless pain to fix it all. She would walk through hell and beat Satan in a fist fight to get back all of the hope and happiness she had lost. But there was no way to go back, and here they were, in the terrible and uncertain present, so she was going to make the best of it.

With more conviction than she thought she could muster, Cairo stepped off the bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well gang... we've made it. wow. in all honesty i never thought i would finish this fic, but here we are, and what a journey it's been! it's been a blast writing this even though it took forever.
> 
> not to be cheesy but I want to give a shoutout to the whole wattcord for being so great, but especially to Charlie for sharing a braincell with me and being so supportive. u are incredible and ily charlie!<3
> 
> as always, hmu @mightymightytigers on tumblr! i love receiving asks, headcanons, fic prompts, anything!

**Author's Note:**

> ***Mattie has been more subtly panicking during questioning and it comes to a head afterwards. Reese tries to comfort her but Mattie can't talk and can't tell her not to hug her or how to help her. Cairo steps in and helps her calm down. Reese leaves and Cairo drives Mattie home in silence. When Mattie gets home, her parents are out, and she turns on every light she could and sitting in the living room, as she doesn't think there's any chance of her sleeping tonight.
> 
> YES annleigh and farrah's last name is Clarke and YES when annleigh and clark get married he WILL take annleigh's last name and become clark^2
> 
> hmu on tumblr @mightymightytigers send me asks or literally anything!!


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